Wednesday, September 4, 2013

My Smart Phone is STILL Making Me Stupid

When I was in college, I would leave my parents' house and drive 3 1/2 hours back to school with no communication. I would call from a LAND LINE when I arrived at my destination. My mobile phone was the size of a carry-on suitcase and was to be used for "emergencies only", as the going rate per-minute was somewhere between arm, leg and your first-born.
Technology improved.

Five or so years ago I had a silver Nokia flip phone. With it, I had the ability to make or receive calls, text (if I need the letter 's' I only had to push the '7' key four times), and take pictures. They were slightly higher quality than an Atari video game screen, but they were pictures nonetheless. I still have it sitting in a drawer around here somewhere. I'm sure if I powered it up, it would be fully charged even though it hasn't seen an electrical outlet in half a decade. It never dropped calls. When it closed, the keypad was covered, so I never butt-dialed anyone. I'm convinced I could have dropped that sucker from the observation deck of the Empire State Building and it would have remained in one piece. Oh, Nokia. You kicked cell phone ass. 

Technology improved some more.

I didn't WANT a phone that had more features, but the snickering and whispers I would hear (from my husband) about my beloved flip phone finally got to me. So I caved. My first step up was a Blackberry. I lovingly held on to that and it's clickety little keyboard for about 2 years. Or however long it took for me to be eligible for an upgrade - because cell service providers are criminals.

One day I went to Best Buy to see if they could fix a small problem I was having with it.

"You know you're eligible for an upgrade, right?"

Cue the Heavenly choir. I was eligible for the iPhone. Even though I SWORE I would not succumb to its evils, the iPhone and its magical powers got the best of me. I couldn't resist the lure of having all of those apps and the internet and a touch screen right at my fingertips. I was intoxicated by technology and I bought it on the spot.

I spent the next 6 hours with my face buried in it. Texting, Facebook, email, all of the internets, Words with Friends, Pinterest, iTunes, calendars, alarm clocks, reminders, Netflix, GPS, up-to-date weather, Pandora, etc., etc., etc. They were all available to me with the simple swipe of a finger.

And now - 3 years later - this phone is ruining my life. I'm sure of it.

The act of mindlessly looking at it has evolved into a nervous tick. That is the only explanation for why it happens at such a high frequency. I catch myself doing when you look at your watch 5 times in a row and still don't know what time it is. I don't even know what it is I'm looking at. Nothing interesting is happening on Facebook. I should know - I've looked at it 30 times in the last 10 minutes. Pinterest just pisses me off. And I've been waiting 7 whole minutes for Smartypants123 to play me back in Words With Friends. Lord have mercy on my soul if I ever start playing Candy Crush. Because my mind is turning to mush and I'm willingly letting it happen.

I won't deny that smartphones are an amazing technology. AH-MAY-ZING. Real life sci-fi kind of shit. It blows my mind that I can summon information FROM SPACE to a box of metal and plastic hold in my hand. But I hate that if I leave my house without this man-made miracle, I'm as good as headless. I should probably seek out some sort of support group. I'm sure they exist.

I'm anxious (and honestly terrified) of what technological advancements the next 10 years will bring. So I think maybe I'll stay right where I'm at with cell phone technology. It can't get better than what we already have.

Can it?


  1. Heaven help us if they get even better!

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

  2. I tell my girls all the time that one day their kids will laugh and feel sorry for them when they describe the archaic iPhone to them. I'm with you. It's the devil. (And I, too, loved my little Nokia!)

  3. My smartphone is the stupidest smart phone on the planet. It says I have 26 new Facebook notifications, it won't load. It gets hot and locks up. It thinks "stingalingadingdangdong" is "hang a dong" on talk to text. It needs to go back to phone school.

  4. I have a new phone that takes better pictures than my real camera, but it notifies me of shit all day and I don't have the sounds figured out so I never know what it's saying to me. Reading that sentence back assures me that I'm stupid, too.

  5. My phone really pisses me off. As I type this, the damn thing is vibrating on a candle over on the coffee table. It's a reminder that somewhere, someone needs some shit from me. Or they need me to see the latest Kermit the Frog meme. Or some shit. Technology can't get any better. If it does, I'll have to hibernate in Newfoundland for the rest of my life. I hate you, technology. I hate you.

  6. My first phone was mounted in my car (emergencies only).
    Graduation day my mom gave me a flip phone, a giant Motorola. And it was the coolest thing ever.

    My husband and I tried staying away from the iPhone... and we failed. I got one a few years ago and then he got one a week later.
    I'd be totally lost without it.

  7. I am sure technology will advance when it comes to iphones but I hope to stay where I am. Right now I am steadfastly holding on to the belief that the second my work asks me to utilize google glass I will quit.

  8. I am right with you. I was one of those last hold-outs who didn't want a phone. Now it's exactly like you said, I check it like I'm an addict, but nothing registers in my drone-like mind! Just like my wristwatch. Come to think of it, is that where it started? Back to telling time from the sun...until it gets dark out.

  9. I too, held on to my nokia flip phone for as long as I could, until one day the husband threw it down the stairs and it exploded. Well, he claims he "dropped it," but he'd been making fun of my phone for awhile so I have my suspicions. Now, I'm addicted to my iPhone. I am on it constantly and it drives him insane. He's always trying to talk to me and I'm like, "hold on, something's happening on facebook...Jen just ate a cookie. And it was hot. Now the roof of her mouth is burned. OH EM GEE this is epic. Nothing you have to say could be as important as is." And then the husband is all, "I hate you." and leaves the room.


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