Monday, August 26, 2013

OH, MY EYES!

I don't know that I've ever wished for amnesia. Until last night. I don't want a complete erasure of all things past, but if I could just delete like the last 24 hours, or more specifically - approximately seven minutes of the last 24 hours - that would be perfect.

My eyes have been assaulted. 

My cognizance has been compromised. 

I can never unsee what has been seen. 

Will I never learn???

No good ever comes from morbid curiosity. Yet I continue to allow myself to be lured in. I simply cannot say no. 

Although I did not watch the VMA's, I did check Facebook (and Twitter and the rest of the world wide web), so it was virtually impossible not to catch wind of the train wreck that was Miley Cyrus' performance (pornoformance?). 

I made it almost all night without giving in to my curiosities. Then I got in bed. As I picked up my phone to recharge it for the night, I lost my good senses and could no longer help myself. I clicked on the YouTube app and started typing in the search bar. I got as far as "M-i-l-e..." when the internet automatically filled in the rest - "Miley Cyrus VMA's 2013". With a deep inhale, I pushed play.

About 4 seconds into the video, I covered both eyes with an audible slap.

My husband leaned over to ask what I was watching.

"Apparently Miley Cyrus outdid herself at the VMA's this evening. So far I'd say I have to agree."

He rolled his eyes and asked what all the hype was about. Since I am a good wife, I powered through the remainder of the performance and gave him a play-by-play.

"Well, there are teddy bears. A lot of them. They're mildly terrifying, actually.

Is she wearing a leotard? I think she's wearing granny panties under her leotard.

OH MY GOD what is she doing with her tongue? Stop it, Miley.

Don't put the microphone there. Oh, for God's sake.

Is that someone's real ass? She just put her face in some woman's ass. And then she smacked it.

Ohhhhh....is that what twerking is? I've been wondering. I don't think I can do that. I'd pull a hammy.

Ohmigod she grabbed her crotch and pelvic thrusted the audience. Jesus, Miley.

Aaaaaand she just ripped off her leotard. And now she's wearing just a bra and...I WAS RIGHT! She's wearing granny panties! Wait a minute. What the fuuu...is that...Beetlejuice?

Nevermind. It's Robin Thicke. Dressed like Beetlejuice. They're singing "Blurred Lines".

What's with the foam finger?

Oh. That's what's with the foam finger. No. Nonononono. That is wildly inappropriate, Miley.
 
Now she is twerking Mr. Thicke. And I'm pretty sure she just licked the side of his face.

Okay, now there's a different artist. I can't tell who it is because my eyes are bleeding. Maybe she's done. PLEASE God, let her be done."

Nope. There she is again. Somebody take that finger away from her. Do we have any foam fingers? I'm going to need to burn them."

And then it was over. It took a few minutes for my heart rate to return to normal and my blood pressure to go down, but I managed to recover.

Except for my eyes. That job is going to require some bleach.

5 comments:

  1. Hahahaha! Her performance was horrendous! And I didn't even watch it....yet.... just pictures so far

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  2. The worst of it is....guess who everyone is talking about today? Yep. She wins the award for spinning our eyeballs & brains into mush. Where is a decent person with a great voice and why couldn't we see them perform?? And talk about them today? It was so wrong. She's 20 and Robin Thicke is 36. Call the police. Yuck.

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  3. I didn't watch the VMAs either, but I did watch Miley's performance. Not JT. Not anyone else that was actually worth watching. I'm one of the sheep, I guess. That makes me feel grosser than watching that poor little girl make a fool of herself on stage.

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  4. Mom said we were not allowed to see the video but we heard all about it. We do not understand some peeps at all!

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

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  5. I saw the performance from across the room-my husband finally had to see wtf everyone was talking about! I can't imagine if I had seen it up close, this was bad enough! The things I cannot unsee... must.scrub.corneas.

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