I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. When I opened my account, my name appeared directly to the left of the "update status" box. The word "is", followed by ellipses was the default preface of my status. It didn't take long before I walked around all day every day thinking like this:
Meredith is...out of milk.
Meredith is...having a glass of wine.
Meredith is...getting more and more behind on laundry because...
Meredith is...wasting her life away on the internet AND...
Meredith is...about to lose her fucking mind if she doesn't stop referring to herself in the third person.
Thankfully, the wizards over at Facebook finally changed that format and I eventually, with months of therapy, returned to speaking in first person.
Facebook. I love it. I hate it. It can make me laugh, it can make me cry, and sometimes... it annoys the shit out of me. You know the statuses I'm talking about.
The perfect couple. Always. Every minute. Of every day.
I think my husband is pretty cool, too, but...puh-leeeeeez. Vomit. Make it stop.
And my personal favorite, the over-achieving mom. Mostly because I'm jealous that I'm not on the same meds.
Why the hell doesn't Naomi Nononsense ever speak up in real life? Because I don't have the balls. That's why.
These examples, while worthy of an eyeroll, are easy to poke fun of yet scroll past.
Then there are the updates and photos that stop just short of making my eyes bleed. I refer to these as the Facehookers.
1. The duckface selfie.
It is ridiculous and has succeeded in making girls and women everywhere look like complete morons. I'm not sure what genius decided this was a good look, but it is taking entirely too long for this trend to wear off. If you are still taking pictures of yourself making this face...stop. You will immediately gain I.Q. points, or at least look like you have.
2. The "I know I'm hot and you know I'm hot so check me out I'm in a bikini" pic. (Just roll with the drawing. I don't want to get sued, yo.)
Need attention much?
And, yeah, I'm jealous as hell that I can't pull this off for fear of triggering gag reflexes. But, still. NO.
3. And the worst Facehooker of all - the "Look at my big 'ol boobs" gal. I can't include a picture (because of the suing), although I can think of plenty of examples right off the top of my head. You know the pose. Bent over forward so all the cleavage is popping out of the top of her low-cut shirt, looking innocent like she has no idea what has happened.
What? My boobs are showing? Well wouldya look at that?! Ooooopsiiiieeee!
Oh, we know what you're doing, sister. You're as translucent as plastic wrap. And probably just as stuck on yourself.