Monday, July 22, 2013

Don't Be a Facehooker

I joined Facebook in the fall of 2008. In other words, I have 5 years of my life documented on the internet. An online journal of the last 1800 days. Treasured moments spent with family and loved ones shared in words and pictures with all of my closest friends. And their second cousin's co-workers.

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. When I opened my account, my name appeared directly to the left of the "update status" box. The word "is", followed by ellipses was the default preface of my status. It didn't take long before I walked around all day every day thinking like this:

Meredith is...out of milk.

Meredith is...having a glass of wine.

Meredith is...getting more and more behind on laundry because...

Meredith is...wasting her life away on the internet AND...

Meredith is...about to lose her fucking mind if she doesn't stop referring to herself in the third person.

Thankfully, the wizards over at Facebook finally changed that format and I eventually, with months of therapy, returned to speaking in first person.

Facebook. I love it. I hate it. It can make me laugh, it can make me cry, and sometimes... it annoys the shit out of me. You know the statuses I'm talking about.

The perfect couple. Always. Every minute. Of every day.

I think my husband is pretty cool, too, but...puh-leeeeeez. Vomit. Make it stop.

The exercisers.


This strikes a particularly sensitive nerve when I skip my work-out and opt to sit on my ass and drink three cups of coffee. But good for them.

And my personal favorite, the over-achieving mom. Mostly because I'm jealous that I'm not on the same meds.

Why the hell doesn't Naomi Nononsense ever speak up in real life? Because I don't have the balls. That's why.

These examples, while worthy of an eyeroll, are easy to poke fun of yet scroll past.

Then there are the updates and photos that stop just short of making my eyes bleed. I refer to these as the Facehookers.

1. The duckface selfie.

It is ridiculous and has succeeded in making girls and women everywhere look like complete morons. I'm not sure what genius decided this was a good look, but it is taking entirely too long for this trend to wear off. If you are still taking pictures of yourself making this face...stop. You will immediately gain I.Q. points, or at least look like you have.

2. The "I know I'm hot and you know I'm hot so check me out I'm in a bikini" pic.  (Just roll with the drawing. I don't want to get sued, yo.)

Need attention much?
And, yeah, I'm jealous as hell that I can't pull this off for fear of triggering gag reflexes. But, still. NO.

3. And the worst Facehooker of all - the "Look at my big 'ol boobs" gal. I can't include a picture (because of the suing), although I can think of plenty of examples right off the top of my head. You know the pose. Bent over forward so all the cleavage is popping out of the top of her low-cut shirt, looking innocent like she has no idea what has happened.

What? My boobs are showing? Well wouldya look at that?! Ooooopsiiiieeee!

Oh, we know what you're doing, sister. You're as translucent as plastic wrap. And probably just as stuck on yourself.


  1. I considered taking a bathroom selfie once, and I took it as a sign to step away from social media for a few days.

  2. I can't stand the needy ones who just put statuses like, "Sad...." "Alone...." or even just a little frowny face :( in hopes that someone might ask them to elaborate. I never fall for that.

  3. I couldn't NOT comment on this, even though it required me to comment from my "family" blog. So this is Steph from WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion, and now we can move on:

    I love the shit out of this post because YES. YES. and YES. The bikini clad girls who are pathetically searching for a "you look hot!" comment; the selfies who totes don't know that, like, their boobs are hanging out; the moms who are bought stock in the good stuff and have enough energy to actually do the Pinterest crafts--you've nailed them ALL!!!!! I love how you hate Facebook.

  4. P.S. if you're able to add a "Name/URL" option to your comments, more peeps may be able to leave you some love. I'm self-hosted on Wordpress, so that account isn't recognized, and I steer clear of using my personal Google account for obvious reasons. I ALWAYS want to comment on your stuff, but I was hesitant. Until today's perfection. Okay, I'm leaving now ;)

  5. although the trend seems to be dwindling - I cannot stand the pics of food and/or drinks. I really don't care what your meal or your latest cocktail looks like! get a life people. Although since I am sitting there looking at it - maybe I am the one who needs a life!

  6. Facebook, how I hate thee, let me count the ways. You got'em all...

  7. I'm planning on using the numerous amounts of duck face photos out there as proof that if you make an ugly face to often/long, it'll get stuck that way.

  8. Yes! I have inadvertently posted a nipple shot. But it was in a pic just after my son was born--you know, the obligatory laying on mommy's chest, meet the world pic (but I seriously looked like dooky, no pre-pic primping)--AND I immediately removed it once I realized what happened. I doubt anyone else would have even noticed. ;-)

  9. This just makes me want to take a duck-faced bikini boob shot and post it as my profile pic while throwing out deuces for my gym check-in :)

  10. Hahahaha! Love the Facebook names. And agreed... I love it and hate for those reasons all at the same time.

  11. So. Very. True. There is someone in my feed that lists everything she did during the day and I actually start feeling sick with exhaustion! And yes, for all things holy, stop the poochy lip thing and also the tongue sticking out. What's up with that??

  12. Yes, sometimes mom even yells at Facebook! We see her write something then say "I better not" and then erase it. Sometimes she wishes in addition to the "like" there was a button that said "You annoy the hell out of me but I only keep you as a friend to make me feel better about myself". That's what mom says.

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

  13. So funny. So True. Why haven't I been following you? (That rhythms- ya know). I know why! I've been too busy taking sheepish pic's of my boobs, getting my lips plumped, and masterfully managing my perfect family- and letting everyone on FB know about it! I rule!

  14. I'm just gonna throw out there...extreme caution be used...for all selfies. ALL. Not just duckface and boobs and sexy thighs at the pool, but all. Just an idea.

  15. My status update today was about a cow mooing at my son. I think that should definitely put me in the overachieving mom category, don't you think? Oh wait that would have been if it had been my cow and I had been milking it at the time to make our gluten/soy/wheat/egg/taste free homeopathic free range breakfast quiches. Right?

    I love you...thank you for writing this. You are my favorite person on Facebook, the bloggingsphere, the internet, and possibly the world right now. BA HA HA! I'm also reeeeeeeally tired.

  16. You nailed it, for sure. Facebook makes me feel simultaneously buried alive in a coffin and connected to people I care about. Who'dathunk.

  17. Hilarious!! I'm guilty of some....not all - thankfully my lips aren't that big! And I don't think I have my boobs showing anywhere. Phew!

  18. BAHHHAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA! Holy shit, that's hilarious.

    I TOTALLY did that third person crap back in 2008.

    Susannah is.....sharing the shit out of this. It's quite possibly her favorite blog post. Eva.

  19. I just snort laughed. I better update my status!!

  20. We could start a facebook anonymous! Would that be fun!
    Thanks for sharing on the hump day hook up! PS I love your new bikini, red really suits you

  21. OMG! I TOTALLY DO ALL OF THOSE! except the duck-faced selfie.

  22. The Bloggess sent me. Because I hate FaceBook overachievers who are always bragging, either in your face, or backhanded. "Does anybody know how to get Cristal and caviar stains off custom-stained turquoise Corinthian leather?"

  23. OMG I remember those third person status updates!! I would CONSTANTLY be thinking like that -- even in my sleep. "Michelle is driving herself crazy by narrating her entire day to herself in third person."
    And puh-leeze. You know the mamas who continuously post updates about how perfect their parenting is are secretly beating their heathen children with hairbrushes.

  24. Yes those are all the reasons I LOVE to hate FaceBook....and yet I cannot quit.

  25. Yes, yes, so much yes. All of the above. LOVE IT :)

  26. Great post! So glad to find each other on Twitter :)


What's on your mind?