Friday, June 28, 2013

10 Things I Hate About You: An Ode to My Husband on Our Anniversary

Today is our 16th wedding anniversary. What? That's right. SIXTEEN years. I know what you're thinking. You've seen my picture and I look entirely too young to celebrate such an occasion. You're really too kind.

To celebrate these many years of wedded bliss, I decided to dedicate today's post to Charming. He won't read it, of course, but that's okay (I guess). Because I've titled my ode as follows:




Seriously?

Seriously. Just go with it.

Dear Charming:

Today we celebrate 16 years together. Neither of us are in prison for attempted murder, which is cool. HOWEVER, I feel like now is as good a time as any to bring some things to your attention that really bug me about you.

1. You are a lying liar who lies. You have always answered "no" when I've asked "Does this make me look fat?" or "Do I look ugly today?" Every. Single. Time. Come on, buddy. Everybody knows at some point in the last 16 years that shit wasn't true.

2. You force our children to play favorites. Do you ALWAYS have to be the fun one? The Nerf gun wars you randomly initiate in the living room and goofy guessing games you agree to play on road trips are starting to make me look like a dud and it's pissing me off. Because I'm totally kick-ass. 

3. You say "I'm sorry" way too soon after you've screwed up. Not typical for most husbands, and I'm not sure when this started because it hasn't always been the case. Do you know how hard it is to stay mad and talk shit about you to my friends when you do that? Also it makes me feel bad that it takes me like...oh I dunno...24 hours to apologize. I mean, hypothetically speaking. I just assume it would take me that long if I were ever the one who was wrong. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. 16 years down, but it's bound to happen sooner or later.

4. You don't remember ANYTHING I say. Seriously. I can recall every conversation (argument) we've had word-for-word for the last 7 years and make it relevant in any given current conversation (argument) by bringing it back up, regardless of the subject of either conversation (argument). You usually have no recollection of what I'm talking about and it makes me feel like a crazy person or something. Nevermind that I'm not fighting fair and you are. You should take some gingko biloba or whatever that stuff is called that's supposed to improve memory. Look into it.

5. You are entirely too observant. Husbands aren't supposed to notice things like painted toenails and new hairdo's. Makes it really hard to hide the fact that I've spent an obscene amount of money on things that are going to chip off or grow out in a matter of weeks. Stop it.

6. You are forcing the issue with the "who's funnier" debate. If you'd stop saying things that make me laugh until I can't breathe, we could settle this once and for all. That's annoying. And I'm funnier.

7. You are forcing the issue with the "who's smarter" debate. If you'd stop being so good at ALL OF THE THINGS, we could settle this once and for all. That's annoying. And I'm smarter. 

8. You should be more budget conscious. When I ask for things I don't need, like new purses or shoes, the typical husband response is supposed to be, "You have too many purses and shoes already!" Not "Whatever. You should get it." What the hell? I feel like this is some kind of tit-for-tat strategy. Anyway. While it makes you out to be a super cool husband, it probably makes the other husbands look bad and it makes it really hard for me to be financially responsible. Think about others for once, why dontcha.

9. You shouldn't give me credit for being mature or responsible enough to make wise decisions all by myself. That's actually irresponsible on your part. See #8 above.

10. You always make me pick where we go out to eat. If I say "I don't care," I really do mean that I DON'T CARE. Just pick. And for hells sake, if I pick somewhere and you shoot it down, expect me to lose it. Because seriously? I'm being for real on this one. Knock that shit off. If we ever divorce, I swear it will be over whether we have pizza or burgers on Friday night.

So, in summary, thanks for being the man you are. A man who is funny, smart, considerate of my feelings, recognizes when he's done wrong, notices when I try to look nice, and is the best dad a kid could ever dream of having. If husbands were a lottery, I won the Powerball.

*Bonus #11.* I made you this really nice tribute and you will never even see it because you refuse to read my blog. It wouldn't kill you, ya know. Asshole.





18 comments:

  1. hahaha! My husband doesn't read my blog either! Love the tribute- your husband is probably going to lie to you tonight to honor your anniversary. He'll probably get all the non-essential luxury items you've been coveting too, just to make you feel super bads.
    happy anniversary. I know you've already managed it for 16 years, but try to stay out of jail tonight.

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  2. Get all mushy why don't you... Can't wait to see what mr. non budget conscious gets you..probably with take you a great dinner he will let you pick out...jerk. ;) Happy Anniversary pretty lady...If you need a sitter tonight, let me know...I have carpets to be vacuumed and toilets to be scrubbed :)

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  3. This was so amazing. I feel like this is my husband and me. He's already started accusing me of hypothetically spending his hypothetical re-enlistment money on Candy Crush Saga. And we're at 14 years. Happy Anniversary!!

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  4. My husband secretly reads my blog and only admits it when his life depends on it. I love how you did this. And you made my day-since you haven't been blogging much lately anytime I see a post from you in my inbox I know it's going to be a good day. Happy Anniversary to you two!

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  5. Happy anniversary to you two. You both crack me up.

    Mom

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    Replies
    1. Ok, clearly I am not your mom. It was supposed to say . .

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    2. My hell. This will not say what it is supposed to say. It puts it there then makes it erase. What the hell does this say?


      Murphy's Mom

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  6. Happy anniversary to you two. You both crack me up.

    Mom

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  7. hahahaha NICE. I made my husband read my anniversary "present" to him, it was a post making fun of issues with his shirts. It looked like it physically hurt him to read it, but he smiled and said "Very good." CHEERS to great husbands!

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  8. I love this SO, SO much!! Seriously, I've read it twice and I'm thinking about reading it again, but since I have a date with "Felicity" on Netflix I'll just share it on facebook instead!
    HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! :)
    xo

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    1. (And since you do not ever get to see my Facebook posts you'll have to trust me, I guess. ;) )

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  9. That was so funny and made me so jealous because my husband is an asshole (in the nicest sense of the word of course,) and I never get to buy new shit. Do you rent out your hubby for special occasions? There's a sale on Sketchers at the mall next week.

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  10. Hysterical! I laughed out loud at ginkgo biloba.
    And, #10 really hit home for me...seriously with the picking of the resturaunts!!! If I cared, I would say so, and when you beg me to "just pick a place, will ya?!" and then I pick a place, and then you respond with "nah, I don't really feel like going there", it OBVIOUSLY will make me not want to choose at all. Happens. All. The. Time.
    Ahhh the joys of marriage...happy anniversary :)

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  11. Love this! But, I'm a little concerned that we may be married to the same man.... Oh, well, that would just give us more things to blog about that they'd never read! :)

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  12. Im so sorry you married such an asshole. Try to have a happy anniversary.

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  13. Ha! What an awesome twist on an anniversary "tribute." He really should read this one. My husband only reads when I start whining enough about it. ;)

    Stopping by from "I don't like Mondays." Thanks for the laugh!

    I linked up...http://momopolize.com/2013/07/06/weeding-people-of-walmart-style/

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  14. Boy, your husband really sucks. He may not read your blog, but print this out and make him read this. Happy Anniversary!

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