Wednesday, April 10, 2013

The Time I Did Something I Said I'd Never Do.

I've been working out real hard at the gym (people-watching while walking at very low speeds on the treadmill, and also pretending to know how to use the weight machines) which, as it turns out, is not the miracle cure I'd hoped it'd be for my flattening blogger ass. And what happens when things flatten? They widen. It's science.

Charming signed up for a new workout program a few weeks ago and I thought maybe I'd try it.

Sidenote: I have a tendency (as in always) to be oppositional defiant. If you tell me to do something, I immediately want to do the exact opposite, and vice versa. I don't do it on purpose. My brain does it all by itself. I must have been a positively delightful 3-year-old.

Anyway. Back to my story.

I told him I was considering signing up, too, and this conversation followed.

Charming: "I really don't know if you can do it. It's pretty tough."

Me: "What did you just say?"

Charming: "I'm just saying that this kind of thing usually isn't your cup of tea. I think you'd probably hate it."

Me: "Did you grow a human being for three quarters of a year and then expel it from your body? Twice?"

Charming: "..."

Me: "That's what I thought. Don't tell me I can't do something."

And then I did the thing I said I would never do. Never.

 I went to Crossfit.

Here's the breakdown.

1. Arrive at gym located in a warehouse that looks suspiciously like a prison yard. Get panicky because you forgot to bring your shiv.

2. Sign waiver saying you won't sue if
-any of your limbs fall off
-you have a heart attack
-you die.

3.  Attempt to interpret a series of acronyms and work-out terminology written on a white board and feel very stupid.

4. Feel better because someone notices your confusion, tells you what they mean, and assures you that you're not stupid. Decide these people are nice and that you probably won't need your shiv after all.

5. Do a series of exercises. Feel lightheaded. Learn that was just the warm-up. Silently repeat the words "Oh. Shit." over and over. And over.

6. Stand gape-mouthed and mildly terrified as instructor explains the Workout of the Day (WOD...see what I mean about #3? Super cryptic, right? This coming from someone who originally thought LOL meant Lots of Love. For like 2 years. Shut up.)

7. Begin timed workout. Scope out nearest trash can in case the puke you feel rising in your throat decides it can no longer be contained.

8. Consider crying.

9. Tinkle - just a little - every time your feet hit the floor while jump-roping. For 200 times. Hope no one notices the puddle.

10. Decide you are not going to quit because you suddenly remember the conversation you had with Charming. Oh, HELL-TO-THE-NO.

11. Force yourself to finish the workout without any puking, crying, or loss of limbs. Lay lifeless on the ground until someone walks over to kick your leg making sure your aren't dead. People at Crossfit are caring.

12. Get talked into signing up for more classes because right now you feel like a total badass. And you like feeling like a badass.

13. Fast forward several hours - feel not so much like a badass anymore as you can't quite figure out how to get up from the couch because your legs don't seem capable of standing. Remember you paid in advance so you have to go back. Tomorrow. Revisit #8.

Lesson I will never learn (see what I mean): Never. Say. Never.


 WILL YOU CLICK ON THIS FOR ME? I CAN'T MOVE MY ARMS.




24 comments:

  1. Banishing blogger ass calls for drastic measures. Crossfit is serious business, and you m'lady are a serious badass. I can't wait to hear how you get your limbs to cooperate tomorrow!

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    Replies
    1. My blogger ass was getting out of control I'm sticking with it. And I'm in a constant state of excruciating pain.

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  2. My sister has been trying to convince me to try crossfit. Thanks for convincing me not to :)

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    Replies
    1. It's hard. But, I can see why it's growing in popularity! It's a community. I didn't use to get that, but now I do. Give it a shot - most places offer a couple of free "trial" sessions before you commit to anything!

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  3. Hubs and I are VERY competitive, so it's stories like this that make me glad he refuses to exercise with me. I prefer to have no witnesses to my misery.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah - we both go to classes, but not at the same time. ;)

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  4. You are braver than me. I can't see EVER going to a gym. No way, no how. I'm all about the meal replacement shakes and buying an exercise video game, doing it for two weeks, and then quitting forever.

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    Replies
    1. Whatever works, sister! Shakes have never worked for me. I need to chew.

      Delete
  5. Whoa, you scared us with the word Crossfit. We can't even look at the word without getting scared!

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

    PS - No background?

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  6. Did I tell you about the time my sister did Crossfit and I watched her from the couch while eating a cupcake? True story... Wait - no, that was YOUR true story. WHAT THE HELL, M!? Insanity is Crossfit's bitch. GET IT, mamasita!

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    Replies
    1. [cough cough] Get it through my husband, you mean. ;)

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    2. That's EXACTLY what I meant. Did I leave that part off?

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  7. LOL... Lots of Love?! LMAO! And this does not mean 'Lick my apple off!'

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  8. Bless your heart! But props for getting through it! And I must say I have recently started following your blog and I LOVE it. The way you convey your stories (which are similar to some of my own - i.e. thinking doing a half-marathon would be "OH-SO-FUN!")truly make me laugh and help me know I am not alone in some of these wild rides we go on as moms and wives! Thank you for bringing a smile to my face, which has been pretty glum today!!! Good luck at the next one. ;-)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! And I totally love that you started this with "Bless your heart"!

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  9. In so glad you went and so proud of you for going back! For at least a month it will feel like youve been hit by a truck multiple times but then it gets better. And I bet you make a bunch of new friends!! (wear pads on double under days )

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    Replies
    1. I'm still going! And, yeah, I'm loving the people in my class. Good call. ;)

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  10. Yay. Can't wait to hear about next time!

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    Replies
    1. I can safely say that my report will always be some version of, "It sucked."

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  11. They tiny print in #6! I'ma die. WHYYYYYYYY can't I stop laughing right now? Also, everything my husband stupidly utters (which, usually may turn out as ME being the stupid one) has to be met with I can fucking do anything, don't you dare suggest I can't. Even when I know I need to be quiet that bitch Shirley in my head just won't shut up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't hard headedness the worst? I'm suffering from a (lifelong) mad case of it.

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete

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