Thursday, April 25, 2013

The List That Practically Begged to Be Made Fun Of.

Have you seen that list titled "A Bunch of Crap You Better Do if You Don't Want Your Marriage to Fail" (or something like that)? I saw a condensed version (about 10 items) a few years ago and I've recently seen a much more extensive one (60 things - that's SIXTY, as in SIX-ZERO) circulating around Facebook over the past few weeks.

I'm not going to bash the entire list...or even the idea of the list...because I really do think it's important to nurture the relationship with your significant other, and sometimes that takes a concentrated effort. But, y'all. Some of the things on this list are just fiddle-dee-diculous. As in I think the person that wrote it just thought up a bunch of crap so the list would end on an even number. Or maybe they were high. Hard to tell.

Like I said, I'm not gonna talk trash about the list in its entirety because a few of the ideas are actually good bits of advice, if my opinion counts for anything. Which it likely does not. Whatever. I'm sharing them with you anyway.

The ones I liked are:
  • Kiss every day. We do this. Except when he's traveling. The logistics just don't work in that scenario. 
  • Be honest. Relationships don't thrive when there are trust issues. So don't lie. Except when I look ugly. Or fat. In which case it's totally okay to lie. Take my word for it, men...if you and your lady are getting ready to go out and she asks you if she looks fat and even follows it up with, "I mean it. Be honest," and you bite the bullet and say yes...that date is OVAH. I'm not saying she'll be mad at you (she will), but I AM saying she's damn sure not leaving the house so y'all can go get your steak on at the Sizzler. I don't care if it IS all-you-can-eat shrimp night. She ain't goin'. Use your best judgment on this one. 
  •  Laugh together. I love this about our relationship. We laugh a LOT. Mostly at each other, but still. It's a good time. 
  • Argue fair. I'll admit I need to work on this. Sometimes I just can't help but shout out mean and hateful things when the fight is a direct result of his jackassery. But, I realize I shouldn't do that. At least I'm headed in the right direction. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. 
  •  Sleep in his t-shirts. I'm only mentioning this one because I do it on occasion and maybe you find yourself in a similar situation regarding sleepwear. I feel like he sees it as a welcome change from the hole-ridden non-matching shit I usually wear at bedtime. When you set the bar low, it takes little to impress. You can lock that in the vault.
That's about it for the ones that aren't total nonsense. There are quite a few that didn't get a reaction from me either way so I don't feel like they are worth a mention.

But then there are the ones that are either a) So stupid I laughed out loud, or b) Cannot be applied in our relationship because we are very immature. Okay here we go (I think it is worth noting that I've worded these exactly as they were in the list)...

  • Surprise each other. I'm going to need this one to be a little more specific. Sometimes we hide behind doors and jump out and scare the shit out of each other. Does that count?
  • Meet him at the door. Do I wear my heels and best apron? Should I be holding a gin and tonic? His pipe? WTF? It's 2013. What if he gets home first? Will he meet me at the door? This one falls under the stupid/antiquated/since when am I June Cleaver category. 
  • Hide notes in secret places. Am I supposed to be working under the assumption that he will actually find them one day? Is there a time limit on this hide-and-seek game? I can ask the man to get me something out of the refrigerator and the item could sprout legs and do a dance right in front of his face and he still won't see it. 
  • Renew your vows privately with whispers and memories. The way this is worded just makes me laugh. Whispers and memories? I picture us standing in our living room whispering our vows to each other with music from 'Cats' softly playing in the background. And now I'm just short of hysterical with this image in my head. The kids are staring. You'll have to give me a minute to compose myself before I can go on...

Okay, I'm back.
  • Set reminders on your phone to remember him/her throughout the week. I don't get it. Am I in danger of forgetting about this person that LIVES IN MY HOUSE? Like, I'm walking through the grocery store and an alert goes off on my phone and I'm all, "Oh, shit! I have a husband! Almost forgot. Thank goodness I set myself a reminder."
  •  Dance together - soft music (alone) - or rocking out with the kids. I am again picturing us in the living room staring at each other with my hands on his shoulders and his hands on my waist doing the junior high sway and I'm starting to feel the hysterics come back so I'm just going to move on.
  • Choose not to be annoyed by an irritating behavior/disappointment from your spouse. Oh! We can "choose" not to be annoyed? Why hasn't anyone ever told me that? The time I could have saved.
  • Lay in bed together and stare into each other's eyes, without talking. Tell me you're not serious. Are you serious? For how long? Until one of us cracks? Because that's like 2 seconds at best. This one. is. killing me. 
  • Share furniture - sit in his lap. Again - for how long? Like a minute? 'Til he loses sensation in his lower extremities? A whole television show? The entire duration of 'The Hobbit'? It makes a difference because I don't care how much you love each other - that arrangement is NOT comfortable.
    • Wear shirts that tell the world you love your spouse. For realz? Like those giant groups of people that go on vacation together and wear the same shirts so they can pick each other out of a crowd? This is so hilarious that IT IS HAPPENING. I'm having these babies printed up immediately. My husband is going to be so excited!


    1. LOL - He's My Boo -----> <-------She's My Boo! I love that and I KNOW you're serious about the print up. Can't WAIT to see pictures! I know I'm not married, but that list wouldn't have helped keep us together. Thank God the solutions to life's problems can be found on FB!

    2. This was too much! I want a pair of those shirts in the worst way. You need to sell them here.

    3. wait...wait...wait....I can't stop laughing...I think I just peed...OMG Really!? I would get laughed out of the house...but then there would be a good reason to put a reminder on his phone.

    4. Lay in bed and stare into each other's eyes without talking? LMAO No way could Hubs or I pull that one off. It would instantly turn into a battle of wiggly eyebrows, crossed eyes and crazy expressions to see which one would crack first.

      The shirts are great, but I suggest taking the ick factor up a notch by having the message airbrushed with maybe hearts and rainbows in the background. Shit. I think I got a cavity just writing that sweetie-sweet idea.

    5. Well, I read this at just the perfectly exact moment. I now CHOOSE to no longer be annoyed that my husband didn't call me back this morning like he said he would because he was soooo busy however 20 minutes later I see he's commented on Facebook.


      Reeeeeal busy.


    6. These are killing me! PLEASE find more dumb lists and make this a regular thing.

    7. I don't need to set reminders on my phone to remember him. I just have to trip over his socks or his pants on the floor or see his half full coffee cups of coke cans OR I KNOW I KNOW wipe all the shaved whisker bits out of the sink every day. That works just fine.

      Love the shirts. Do the "I'm With Idiot" ones count, too?

    8. I LOL while at work reading these and thought the same thing when I saw the article. Everyone at work was asking what was so funny. Im so glad I found you.

    9. ROFL! How did I miss this post??? This is too funny! I agree with Jenn, you need to do this on a regular basis.

      I don't know if you know this, but you're one of my favorites, and I told the world today on my blog. ;-) Happy Mayday!

    10. Okay, I have to take out my contacts before I get in the bed and then I can't see a DAMN thing!! I would have to be about half an inch from Hubs face just to make sure it was him. And then I'd be looking at that spot on his forehead that I keep telling him to have checked, and that wild eyebrow hair that I want him to pull out and the crazy nose hairs. And then I will be wishing he spent another couple minutes brushing his teeth whilst wondering if maybe I should have spent another couple minutes. I think it's safe to say that the reason we have been together 20 years is we do NOT lay there and stare. Crazy!!

      Penny at Mom Rants and Comfy Pants

    11. So funny! Hey, you get that apron donned and get the gin ready--you've gotta keep that relationship thriving ;)

    12. I have the silent shaky, shoulders bouncing up and down laughing going on with this little gem of a post!

    13. LOL where do I get those Boo shirts? I was having trouble connecting with and showing my husband how I felt about him and those shirts would solve all of my problems. ;)

    14. OK, we're trying to get a visual on this . . . I want to get those shirts for me and my mom.

      Your Pals,

      Murphy & Stanley

      PS - Still painting : (

    15. We have a set of friends like this. Its nauseating and I want to punch them in the jugular. Those shirts. Oh those shirts would be perfect for them. And another reason to punch them in the jugular.

    16. ...still laughing at "whispers and memories"...


    What's on your mind?