Monday, April 15, 2013

Down With the Assholes.

I'm sick of assholes, you guys.

Check this out. My Mom is here visiting and she offered to keep the kids so Charming and I could go out without having them all up in our grill. And we did not turn down that opportunity because we are not stupid people. There's a new outlet mall about an hour away and we decided it would be a great time to check it out since we wouldn't have to listen to our little people bitch about their legs falling off the entire time. Plus I love a good bargain. And also Wetzel's Pretzels.

We drive up and notice that there is that yellow police caution tape around one of the stores so I'm all, "Great. Somebody got murdered up in the Nike outlet over some pumped-up kicks and now this whole operation is shot to hell."

We walked up to the mall entrance and found out that someone called in bomb threats to the Ralph Lauren and Love Culture stores. Of course they did. Because everybody knows nothing says "I mean business" like threatening to blow up a bunch of preps and trendy 20-somethings. Good. Lord. So, of course, the cops have to come in with all their gear and bomb-sniffing dogs and whatnot and close down all the stores because they have to take bomb threats seriously. Because explosions can be dangerous. But everyone knew that it was just some asshole being...well, an asshole...because he (or she) knew that it would wreak havoc on people's day. But rather than creating mass chaos with people screaming and running for their lives, everybody was just standing in line outside the Coach store being really pissed that they were missing out on the 50% off everything (everything, y'all!) sale. And I was pissed because I wanted my very own cup of pretzel bites that I wasn't even going to have to share with the little vultures I usually carry along with me (or at least a hot Nestle Tollhouse cookie), and I didn't get either.

You know, it takes a conscious effort to be an asshole. I imagine it must be exhausting. Waking up every morning having to come up with a plan of whose day they're going to ruin. I mean, I have a hard enough time remembering what day it is and which kid has which lesson or sports practice after school. If I had to throw in a meniacal plan to destroy humankind, I'd be toast.

What I'm getting at is this: don't be an asshole. I know I'm simplifying it, but seriously. Just don't. It's easier to be nice. You know what? You don't even have to be nice. Just exist. And let other people exist. Chances are most people are doing a pretty good job at making some bad life choices on their own without your help. Do you even realize how much better off the world would be if everyone abided by that one simple rule? Perhaps you're an asshole because someone was an asshole to you. Well, break the cycle. Do it. Put all the effort you use to be an asshole into...oh, I don't know...not being one.

 
 
 
 
 
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14 comments:

  1. Amen sister. It's simple and doable. And Ironically, as I read this, CNN was on in the background with footage of the bombing in Boston. Massive asshole, possible nut job.

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    1. I feel weird that this post went up on the same day as the bombing. I literally heard about it minutes after I hit publish. :/

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  2. I realize this must have been frustrating but this post was hilarious!

    We had a bomb threat my senior year or high school on prom. It sucked. That was before bomb threats happened all the time, but even then we knew it wasn't legit.

    I've been dealing with assholes lately and it's completely exhausting. I hope things get better for you and you got your Coach purse and pretzel bites.

    Mostly the pretzel bites. :-)

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    1. No Coach purse, but that's okay. Because I DID get pretzel bites. And later a kick-ass pear mojito.

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  3. It was probably an employee who didn't want to go to work and couldn't call out anymore without getting fired. Crazy shit's always happening at the outlet mall!

    We were talking to the kids about assholes this morning, but we used the words "selfish" and "lazy" because we were discussing littering, and because you can't say asshole to a three and five year old. Same thing, though, just a different level of assholery.

    Is it tripping you out a little that you wrote about bombs yesterday of all days?!

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    1. Exactly. Lots of kind of assholery.

      It actually freaked me out that I wrote about bombs on this day.

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  4. We don't understand humans. Mom liked your poster.

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

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  5. We have started a Royal Community and we wanted to know that you made our new friends list. We will be stalking your blog. You link is up in ROYAL READS.

    CAUSE.. we hate assholes too. Well, we don't hate them.. we actually like to feed them to the gators.

    Hugs from the Kingdom..

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    Replies
    1. I'm super late to responding to this because I am a loser. Thank you!

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  6. My husband prides himself on being an asshole (mostly to me). So, for every asshole-ish action he commits, I do an equally 'good' act (usually involving donating some of his hard earned paycheck to the local retail store in exchange for some useless trinket). Then I secretly do things to him to make him think he's losing his mind (hide his keys, hide his cellphone, mess up his lunch that I pack for him, etc.) It's a lot like our own little battle of Good vs. Evil. I've noticed, over the course of the 7 years we've been married, his evil acts have required more and more energy and he find it's easier to just "do good" instead. :D

    Great post! Thank you for the laugh and telling the assholes of the world off. (Following you on Facebook and Bloglovin.

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    1. Loving the idea of hiding the husband's things. Especially since he blames me when he can't find things anyway.

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  7. I'm beginning to believe assholery is within us all. We just need teaching to keep us from letting it out. I think I'm an asshole when I eat the grapes before paying. Probably I'm an asshole when I won't let cars merge into the line of traffic I've been sitting in for 10 minutes because hey, asshole, you knew you'd need to get over way back there, so, um, no. Those who take assholism to higher levels, though, how do we catch them before their assholishness escapes? Also, who bombs a mall? I mean, everyone knows you need to be inside the mall to make the call so you can put them into a panic so they don't notice you grabbing shit off the racks too close to the door. Duh.

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    Replies
    1. Most definitely we all have the ability to be an asshole in some capacity. The difference is the ability to control it.

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