Thursday, March 7, 2013

When Toys Make Me Feel Like a Pyromaniac

There are some toys that creep my out, y'all. Toys that just aren't right. Toys that need to be outlawed. Because toys are supposed to bring you happiness and joy...not make you soil yourself and leave you paralyzed with fear.

Have you heard of Furby? It was originally launched in the late 90's and made a real comeback last year. It reminds me a lot of Gizmo from "The Gremlins", and it's just about as creepy. I read a blog post around Christmas about someone getting a Furby for their kid. A lady left a comment re-telling a story of when she had one when she was younger. She told of how she let the batteries die and instead of replacing them, she tossed little Furby in the closet all Toy Story style and eventually forgot about it. You feel sorry for little ol' Furby, right? Wait. One night A COUPLE OF YEARS LATER while the girl was sleeping, poor forgotten Furby buried in the closet somehow sucked enough of the remaining battery to "wake up" and say...wait for it..."It's dark in here." WHATHEFUUUUUU?!? I'd have to light that sonbitch on fire.

Then there's the infamous "Ouija Board". I couldn't hardly even type that, y'all. That game freaked my shit when I was in junior high. Here's how it went down. I spent the night with a friend and their home phone hadn't been working for a couple of days. We couldn't even entertain ourselves by calling all our other friends that weren't there (pre cell phone days and all). What's a teenager to do with no telephone? Well, we decided we'd play that "game". We were joking around and asking it stupid questions, each of us accusing the other of pushing the little game piece thingy. Then one of us got the bright idea to ask it the question, "If you're real, show us a sign." And that's when the telephone rang. The phone that had been out of service for the past two days. You have never seen two adolescent girls exit a house so fast in your life. I'm surprised I ever went back. I'd like to say we lit the thing on fire, but we were too scared. They can actually probably light themselves on fire. Great. Now I've dug up this memory and I doubt I'll sleep tonight. The things I do for you guys.

There will be no picture of the Ouija Board because I refuse to Google it to find one.
I don't even know if they still make them and I really don't care because NO. 

A couple of weeks ago my kids found this game in one of our many "junk" drawers called "20 Q". Have you heard of it? We bought it years ago for a road trip and I had forgotten about it. It's a little handheld electronic game that has you think of something - anything - and it then asks a series of (fairly general) questions to try and derive the answer to what it is. It freaks me out because I swear it reads minds. We're so blown away by this stupid game that we won't even say what our item is out loud because we're convinced it can hear us. Don't judge. We always pick things that we are sure there is no way it will guess. But it does. Almost every time. Here's an example of the questions and answers we gave it last night (you can choose either yes, no, sometimes, or unknown as your answer).

1. Vegetable Animal Mineral Other? Other
2. Do you hold it when you use it? Yes
3. Is it made of plastic? No
4. Is it a common household object? Yes
5. Does it bring joy to people? Yes
6. Is it flat? No
7. Does it get wet? Yes
8. Can you see through it? Sometimes
9. Is it cold? Sometimes
10. Does it open? Yes
11. Can you recycle it? No
12. Is it tasty? No
13. Is it clear? Sometimes
14. Can you smell it? Yes
15. Does it break if dropped? Yes
16. Is it colorful? Yes
17. Is it round? No
18. Does it smell sweet? No
19. Is it fragile? Yes
20. Is it larger than a pound of butter? No

At this point it asked, "Is it a perfume bottle?" Our answer is no (although that was a good guess). When that happens, it asks 5 more questions.

21. Can it be re-filled? No
22. Does it have a good smell? No
23. Does it come in a box? No
24. Do you wear it? Yes
25. Is it soft? No

Do YOU know what it is? No. You don't. Because how the hell would you know from those questions? And seeing them written down like that freaks me out even more.

"Is it fingernail polish?"

Yes. It is fingernail polish. Shit on a shingle it guessed fingernail polish.

Other items it has guessed include chapstick, dog collar, swingset, coyote (why didn't it just guess "dog"?), and creepiest of all, itself. As in our object was the game '20 Q' and its guess was "Is it 20Q?"

Now, if you'll excuse me...I've gotta go start a fire.

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  1. I am with you on the Ouija board. Each one of those comes with some seriously bad mojo. Hell, there's probably an app for that today. If so, I wouldn't download that shit if you paid me.

  2. They do still make Ouija boards and they now comeim pink. O.o. my almost 11 year old wants one and has asked almost everyone in the family.
    The answer across the board, is heck no!! They creep me out to and I'm not chancing the bad juju that comes with it!

    1. Noooooo!
      My kids have somehow escaped knowing they exist and I plan on keeping it that way!

  3. Mom said you are freaking out too easily and you need to talk to Oliver about it cuz he does not freak out over these things. Have a great weekend!

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley
    Online Doods

    1. Are you familiar with these games? They are worth being freaked out over!!

  4. All talking toys are inherently evil. Even Teddy Ruxpin.

    1. I forgot about Teddy Ruxpin! I never had one of those but I imagine it would freak me out too.

  5. I never tried Ouija, but I spent way too long at the store one day trying to outsmart the 20q game. It's impressive but the fact that it's right so often takes away all the fun.

    1. The fact that its always right is what freaks me out! It reads minds I tell you!

  6. "Shit on a shingle!" I love the simple one-liners that just "make" a piece!!! Good luck with the fire. If there's room, please throw in all of my daughter's baby dolls that giggle; those effers really creep me out. No one needs to hear a plastic asshole tee-heeing like a lunatic at 2 in the morning.

    1. No. Nononono to baby dolls laughing in the middle of the night. Send em over and I'll add them to the pile.


  8. The Ouija board never freaked me out, because we only asked questions like "Who will my next boyfriend be?" and we all obviously pushed it around. The only other question we asked was "Which of our friends will die first?" and my kinda bitchy friend would make it say whoever she was was pissing her off at the time.

    All of those other thing scare the shit outta me.

    1. Oooooh that IS a bitchy thing to do. Girls are so mean. It would freak my shit if it would ever have spelled my name. Yikes.

  9. MY SON WANTS A FURBY! Can you say HELLO NO!? ;-)

    1. Yeah that would be a NO. Stay strong or you'll be having a bonfire in your yard, too.

  10. I love that thing.
    p.s Furby's were totally back this year. ICKY.

  11. FORGIVE! I was out of the loop this past weekend with my son's disciplinary action shutting me down both emotionally and physically! How the hell did that creepy thing pick nail polish?! I'm seriously on my way to grab one of these things because our favorite pass-the-time game is 20 Questions. And I wanna see if I'm driven to light some shit on fire, too.

    1. Girl, don't apologize! You've got your hands full!

      Please get one and report back to how you feel about it. If you like 20 questions, you'll like this...but only if you like to be creeped out and amazed all at the same time. Warning: it's addictive.

  12. How did our parents allow us to OWN "that game"? Seriously?? Those things are awful! And the telephone rang?? I honestly would have pissed myself.

    My son had one of those stupid dogs that sings songs and names off parts of the body. I used to get so mad because I would JUST get him to sleep after 45 minutes of exhausting bedtime routine and that damn dog would break out into song and wake him back up. I was too stupid to throw it away (sometimes I need to be reminded that this is acceptable to do) and so this went on until I did finally throw it atop the fridge. As far as I know it's still there. Damn dog.

    1. I'm really surprised neither of us soiled ourselves.

      Toys that talk and cannot be trusted to stay the hell quiet during nap time deserve to be run over with the car. Just saying.


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