Tuesday, March 12, 2013

An Open Letter to Mark Zuckerberg

Greetings! 

I'd first like to congratulate you on the GAZILLIONS of dollars you've made off of being a genius. You've obviously got big ol' brains and I'd like to thank you for using them to invent a social media outlet that allows us to spend countless hours of our days connecting with people all over the world. It's amazing. Really.

But I've got a little bone to pick, Mark. Can I call you Mark? I just assumed we were on a first-name basis since you call me by name and ask "How's it going?" or "What's on your mind?" every time I turn around. You've also started asking me to pay you to show people my posts. I'm not sure what your general policy is regarding asking for money from friends, but I'd personally only hit up someone I felt really close to for something like that. I'm flattered you feel that way about me.

Now I get why you'd want to ask this of actual businesses that turn a profit and want to use your site as a means of cheap advertising. But, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I'm not making a dime off of my page. Not one. You may find it surprising that this blogging business isn't terribly lucrative. I know. It was a shock to me, as well. I don't expect you to plug my page in the newsfeed of every person on Facebook every time I post (I'd hate to be responsible for breaking the internet). I'm not everyone's cup of tea and I understand that. After all, as you can tell by my name, sometimes I drink a little too much and my language can get dicey. There are some sensitive folks out there and I don't want to be forced on anyone that can't handle a gal that has a tendency to be a bit saucy from time to time. I can only assume that's what you do when people pay to promote their page through you since I've got "suggested posts" of all sorts popping up at me all the live long day. Ads for shit I don't care about.

Ads for things like Mr. Clean.



















And Crest Toothpaste.



















And an insulting number of ads to "Lose 4 Dress Sizes the Rachel Ray Way Did". (That one was in the sidebar so I didn't know how to get a picture. Maybe if I were a genius like yourself I could figure it out.)

Do you think I live under a rock? I know all about Mr. Clean because I've turned on my television since...1960. They sell Crest at every retail establishment in America. I even get a tube for free every 6 months when I visit the dentist. Maybe I don't want to lose weight. Have you ever thought of that? What the hell, Mark? Are you "suggesting" that my house is dirty, I have bad personal hygiene, and that I'm fat? Eff you.

I'm sorry for saying "eff you" just then. That wasn't nice. But, I've gotten myself a little worked up, Mark. Worked up because I just want to be allowed to share the literary masterpieces I write on my blog with the very nice people who have already taken the time to "like" my page and not throw tomatoes at me. Not EVERYONE on the Facebook. But you want me to pay you to do that. Not cool, Mark. Not cool at all.

Maybe I'm making the wrong assumption here - and if I am I wholeheartedly apologize - but I think I speak for all of us bloggers out there when I say we think you're being a stingy asshole. Could you get this shit fixed asap? We're having to do sneaky, pain-in-the-ass things like post our links in the comments so you don't catch on to our shameless, self-promoting that earns us nothing more than a teeny tiny ego boost with each "like" or comment.

We don't want your gazillions, Mark. We just want to be seen/heard/read. Is that too much to ask? Come on, Mark. Do us this solid.

~TGNDDAS


 Will you PLEASE click on this banner? It won't cost you a cent.


21 comments:

  1. YES! YES! and YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Lemme know what that d-bag says ;)

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  2. LOVE this post. Also, that Mr. Clean ad is creeptastic.

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    1. Thanks!
      Totally creeptastic. Looks like one of those "Hey, girl" memes with the unbuttoned shirt. Button it up, Clean!

      Delete
  3. Why hells yes. Down with the Z Burg. If it werent for us, he'd be doing maintenance on the Whack a Mole machine at the local skating rink. Good post. Will share!

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  4. Can you go back and add a P.S. for me? Ask him why he only lets SOME people see our posts on their newsfeeds. I mean, I'm betting he wasn't invited to sit at the popular kid's table, so why is he treating some of our status updates and links the same way? He's such a Heather.

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    1. "Such a Heather." Bahahaha! Would you believe I never saw that movie?

      Delete
  5. Funny. I like "I know all about Mr. Clean because I've turned on my television." I also think we should bring "all the live long day" back. I haven't heard that since...well, I've actually never heard anyone use it, but it's a good one.

    I've heard about this & see ppl putting comments in links, but I figured it was only happening to the A listers. Is it happening to everyone? Should I be putting my links in comment? Do you write your update, hit post & then go back & paste a link into comments? I am very ignorant about these things. Don't hate.

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    1. Yep. That's exactly what I do.

      And are you suggesting I'm not an A-lister? As if! Kidding. From what I understand, it's happening to pretty much everyone.

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  6. Oh how I would love for him to actually respond to you. Is this what's going on with all the people losing their LIKES and having their pages shut down? WTH? Sure doesn't seem like there's much left in the world that's free.


    Penny at Green Moms and Kids

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    1. I don't know what's up with the "likes". Mine changes from minute to minute - up and down and up and down. So annoying.

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  7. I think you should go to his FB page and leave him a link to this post. We double-dog dare you!!

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley
    Online Doods

    PS - Mom is saying you must be drunk cuz she has asked you 87 times if you got her email and you never once answered. I was feeling offended since it concerned my blog but mom said I should not feel hurt because you do drink a LOT of alcohol and you probably just spaced it off.

    PPS - Stanley thinks maybe Oliver got to the email and deleted it because he heard you called him an ass. We think Autumn told him.

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    Replies
    1. You need to tell your mom to stop telling lies about me.

      Delete
  8. Hahaha this cracked me up.
    Great post!

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  9. Yes, Mark, since we're so close you feel comfortable asking me for $, I can do the same, right? So, Zman, float me a few mill $, ya know, just til payday....

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  10. I threw this all over facebook tonight!

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  11. Oh I just found your blog popped over from Mommy's weird and she is right you are funny you are cracking me up. I love this. This is a great way to start a day with a huge giggle.B

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