Monday, February 4, 2013

The Tooth Fairy is Worse Than Santa Claus

Dimples lost another tooth a couple of nights ago. Sometimes parents feel a little sad over lost teeth because it represents yet another step away from childhood. Another reminder that your baby is growing up. Not me. I get nostalgic about a lot of things, but lost teeth is not one of them. Because I hate the mother scratchin' Tooth Fairy.

I don't carry cash. I'm pretty sure leaving a check would be a dead give-away that something fishy is going on. The ATM doesn't dispense singles. Like hell I'm leaving twenty bones for a tooth. I'll bet stripper moms don't have this problem.

Dimples is not a terribly heavy sleeper. He sees every middle-of-the-night wakening as an opportunity to relocate to our bedroom. I don't like it when he relocates to our bedroom. He's a bed ninja. He sneaks in without me realizing it and then proceeds to kick me in the neck all night long. I don't like taking chances on accidentally stirring him from a peaceful slumber and being assaulted the rest of the night.

Not only do I not want him to wake up mid tooth/money switcheroo so he doesn't follow me back to bed, but I also don't want to be caught in the act. If he wakes up, I'm going to have to explain what I'm doing standing there hovering over his head with my hand under his pillow. Not to mention, this moment could also lead to the undoing of the giant web of lies we've created regarding other gift-giving characters that frequent the homes of children. You know who I'm talkin' about. I can actually feel my blood pressure rising as I'm standing there staring at his pillow. Wondering how the hell I'm going to get my hand under there without him noticing, especially since he's got both of his own sweaty little paws shoved underneath it, a tight grip around the plastic bag holding the tooth. Because we clearly don't love our kids enough to get them one of those fancy pillows reserved exclusively for tooth presentation.

As we were lying in bed arguing over who would draw the short straw this time (Charming did, as I gently reminded him that he was out of town the last TWO times the Tooth Fairy came to visit), I thought to myself, "I bet there are people out there that use this Tooth Fairy business as another way to go completely over the top and make people like me look like shitty parents." I did a quick Google search the next morning and whaddaya know. Of course there are. 

Okay. Let's clear the air on this issue right here and now because I know people tend to get their panties in a bunch when they think someone's taking shots at them. I get that. If you get a kick out of doing this kind of stuff for your kids, that's cool. I'm not making fun of you...I wish I had half of your motivation. But I don't. So, I'm basically making fun of my own laziness. You can either bask in the dim glow of parental mediocrity along with me, or try these ideas out yourself. Everyone wins. See how easy that was?

Thanks to Pinterest, I found a virtual plethora of Tooth Fairy ideas that I will never use.
  • There's a place that, for the bargain price of $10 plus shipping, you can send a custom message for them to fashion into a tiny (and I mean tiny) letter to leave for your child on the momentous occasion that a tooth falls out of their head. Keep in mind that kids lose an average of 20 teeth. Might want to hold off on this particular over-achievement until say...tooth 19. You know, so you don't make the Tooth Fairy look like an ass for all subsequent lost teeth. Unless you are just looking for ways to spend that extra $200 that's been annoyingly laying around.
  • Make fairy money using glitter hairspray. This one doesn't sound too hard. Except for the money part. Remember? I never have any of that. Also, it appears that you should prepare this ahead of time so it has time to dry. I don't prepare anything "ahead of time". It's really not my style.
  • Sprinkle Tooth Fairy Dust all over their bed to mark the Tooth Fairy's path during her visit. Uh uh. It's glitter, y'all. While I'm at it how about I smash up a bunch of Goldfish crackers in the carpet. 
  • Create a magical Tooth Fairy Door to attach to your child's bedroom wall so the fairy has a way to enter their room. Because the regular bedroom door just won't do. Go to your local craft store, buy a wooden dollhouse door (around $15), bring it home and fancy it up with paint and glitter and shit (another $10 or so if you don't already have if), then affix it to their wall somewhere near their bed. I should really write a crafting blog. 
  • This made me laugh for real. Fold a dollar bill into a tiny origami basket. Riiiiight. I can't fold a simple paper airplane. Anyway, the point is to fold your dollar bill into a tiny basket and then leave a couple of GOLD DOLLAR COINS in it. Again...there's the dollar bill problem I can't seem to shake and, after adding in the coins, we're up to 3 bucks for one measley tooth. Come on, now. I haven't made 3 bucks off this blog. If you want to try it, there's a video on youtube that shows how to do it. I didn't watch it because, well...I didn't want to, but click here if you're so inclined.
  • And this just might be my favorite. You can get a picture of the Tooth Fairy visiting your little sweetums in the middle of the night. Visit here to make this magic happen. All you have to do is sneak a photo of your child sleeping and upload it to their website. You get to pick the fairy and pose that you photoshop into the pic and then upload to your computer. AND it only costs $10. It's actually only $9.99 (marketing GENIUS right there - squeezed it just under that $10 mark). 
I imagine the following would likely happen if I tried this:

CLICK. Oh shit. I forgot to silence my phone. And I forgot to turn off the flash.

Kid wakes up half blind. "What are you doing?"

Me: "Nothing. Go back to sleep."

Kid: "Did you just take a picture of me? Sleeping?"

Me: "No. Yes. You looked cute. It doesn't matter. Go back to sleep."

Kid: "How did you know I looked cute? It's the middle of the night."

Me: "Shut up.* Go. Back. To sleep. And DON'T follow me to my room."

*I have never told my kids to shut up. Yet.

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  1. We know some people just put the tooth in a glass of water and then the Tooth Fairy would replace the tooth with coins. Seems like it would be easy that way. You could sell it as a "reorganization of the tooth plant" sort of thing. If that didn't wash with ol' Dimples just tell him it is part of Obamacare. They (you know who I mean) blame everything on Obamacare so might as well take the fall on this too.

    Murphy & Stanley
    Two Cool Doods

  2. I am seriously impressed with your ability to diffuse the Tooth Fairy overachievers before the panties started bunching. Mad props!

    1. I'm just not ready to piss off the overachievers. They can get ugly. And then I'd have to get ugly. And then it'd just be one big ugly mess. Over the Tooth Fairy.

  3. I don't think any of these existed when my teeth were falling out. I was so deprived as a child.

    1. You and me both, sister. I'll have to admit...I kind of want a glittery Tooth Fairy door.

  4. Oh my Lord, I used to stress out about all of this! Unable to sleep because I was freaked out I would forget, then sneaking into the room without one of the dogs following me and jumping on the bed, sliding my arm (pushing down REAL hard on the mattress so's not to raise his tiny toothless head)and never, EVER having cash on me. (he received 3 $20 bills in his tooth-loss career) Oh, and how about the time Ryan came to me at 9pm and told me that all he has to do is put out two saltine crackers, a cup of water and a note requesting an Elf of the Shelf and one would appear the next day!? 9pm? Thank GOD he forgot to specify boy or girl elf... I'm with you - I love being a mom, but I was so glad when the jig was up.

  5. LOL. We never carry cash either and for the very 1st lost tooth we did end up leaving $20 from the ATM "because the 1st tooth is so special". I have been wanting to try the fairy photo from CatchaCharacter, but thought exactly as you did that it would wake my son up. Maybe next time I'll chance it. :)


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