I could do it in the bathtub, right? Wrong. Oh-so-wrong. I tried that once. It was on that day I realized that, up until that moment, I had never before witnessed anything that fit the description of "going apeshit". In a matter of minutes my bathroom became a porcelain hell of mud, dog hair, dirty water, and despair. I decided then and there that it was best for both of us that I not try that again.
Last Friday I was sitting on the couch petting Autumn and realized she was past due for a good scrub down. I decided I would not start drinking and instead face the situation head on. I remembered that a local pet store had a do-it-yourself dog wash area right outside of their grooming room. I thought this would be a great compromise between the freezing water the outside hose would deliver, and a hellacious scene that could only result in a total bathroom overhaul.
When we got to the store I left her in the car while I went inside to find out how the operation worked. It would cost $12 and they would provide me with the bathing area, the shampoo, a towel, an apron for me, and a blow drier. They would also clean up afterwards which, in my opinion, alone was *worth the $12.
I go back to the car and open the back door. The time I spent in the store gave Autumn enough time to realize that something was awry. She dug in her hind feet and I had to drag her out of the car. Then into the store. Then all the way to the back to the bathing area. This was working out swimmingly.
The bathing area consisted of a tub that was sunk into a counter about waist height. There were four steps at the end of the counter so the dogs could walk themselves to the bathtub. I'd like to see that happen sometime. Autumn isn't a huge dog, but she weighs somewhere between 50 and 60 pounds, and I don't often pick up objects that weigh that much. Especially ones that have four legs and no interest in being placed in a hole in a counter top. But I somehow managed to get her off the floor and into the tub.
There was a leash attached to the wall that you could hook to the dog's collar. This is meant to help contain the "apeshit" episodes. I was extremely grateful for this particular feature. I pulled the faucet down and got to work as quickly as I could. She wouldn't stand up so I gave it my best effort with her sitting down. The bathing part went fairly smooth - she only attempted to jump out a couple of times but, thanks to the apeshit hook, was unsuccessful.
Since things had gone much better than anticipated, I decide to give the blow drier a shot. Because I don't know how to leave well-enough alone. I dry her off with the towel as much as I could and pulled the hose of the blow drier over to the tub (don't worry - no standing water - no danger of electrocution). I hold it over her back and flip the switch to turn it on.
Did I just turn on a blow drier or A FREAKING JUMBO JET?
Why is it so loud? She's gonna freak out! Make it stop! Make it stop! Make it stop!
I fumble over the thing to find the switch and turn it off. I step back over to the tub and...what is that smelllll...ohno ohno ohno ohno.
I look down and find three. giant. turds. inthe. petstore. bathtub. Oh hells bells she done shat in the tub.
I somehow managed to get her out without getting it on her or me, which would have resulting in poop AND puke in the tub. I am frantically looking around to find something to clean it up but find nothing. I manage to flag down an employee to let her know what happened. And what does she do?
[On LOUD speaker] "Can we get a *clean up in the bathing area? Poop in the bathing area."
If my kids aren't with me to make a scene in public, I can always count on the dogs to get the job done.