Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Personal Trainer Made a Liar Out of Me

I went to the gym on Monday. Not because I "resolved" to do so...I don't do the resolution thing. I prefer not to pre-plan my life's disappointments. It's much more exciting to let them catch me by complete surprise.

Also, the minute I say aloud something like "I am going to lose 10 pounds" or "I am going to work out more", it automatically flips a switch in my brain that makes it think, "You know what sounds good right now? A cheeseburger pizza sandwich. With a side of buffalo wings. And a nap."

So, I just keep those lofty goals to myself and hope for the best.

Anyway. I hadn't been to the gym since well before Christmas because I had been sick and then Christmas and then traveling. But after the decorations were put away and the holiday dust settled, I got on the scale. Sadness and despair. And extra-stretchy yoga pants. After wiping up my puddle of tears, I drug my jiggly ass to the gym.

I usually go to one of the classes offered on Monday mornings, but as is typical for gyms at the beginning of January, it was packed to the rim and I was in no mood to get elbowed by women who (like myself) enjoyed a few too many slices of [insert holiday dessert of your choosing here] and were anxious to evict them from their thighs. So, I hiked upstairs to the weight and cardio area.

In between texting and scrolling through my iPod playlists and an occasional glimpse at Facebook, I slowly made my way around the different weight machines. I had just sat down at the shoulder press when this guy strolls up to me and leans against the machine. I can see the words, "Personal Trainer" peeking out from under the flap of his jacket. Greeeeaaat.

"Hi. I'm Tyler. What are you working on today?"

"Well, Tyler, from the name of this machine it appears I am working on my shoulders."

"Hahaha! *total courtesy laugh as he is not amused* So, do you have any goals you are working toward?"

"Nope. No goals. Sometimes I just come here." For real. I said that. Because I wanted him to go away.

But he didn't go away.

"Well, if there was one area you wanted to work on, what would that be?"

Why is he still talking to me? I just said I had no goals and I have yet to remove my earbuds. Maroon 5's "Make Me Wonder" is playing and I am struggling not to ignore his question and start singing along. 

I blurt out, "My arms" because "Leave me alone" seemed a touch rude.

"Great! I can take you through an entire workout RIGHT NOW to show you how to really tone up your arms."

"Really? Right now? How long is that going to take? Because I've already been here for like 45 minutes and I still need to go tinker around on one of those cardio machines over there."

"Oh! So, you're at the end of your workout. I didn't realize that."

You mean my attentiveness to my iPod and lack of perspiration weren't a dead giveaway that I've been pumping some serious iron? Shoot.

"How about we set you up for another day? What days work best for you?"

Sheesh. This guy is persistent. And as I'm looking around I realize that he chose me over about 8 other women in this area. Which is either really complimentary or extremely insulting. As much as I'd love to go with complimentary, he's a personal trainer. And he's obviously on the hunt for a project. So...you decide.

We chat some more about what time of day works best, and I verify that "This is free, right?", and then he says, "I've got some homework for you."

He realizes from the look on my face that I'm not happy about where this is going.

"Hahaha. It's not a big deal. I just want you to keep a 24 hour food diary before you come back in. No biggie. Just write down everything you eat."

Well, hell. A food diary? I hate those. You know why? Because they turn me into a big fat diet cheating liar that lies. Because it's embarrassing to journal:

-Remaining corner of 7-year old's Toaster Strudel and leftover sausage from breakfast
-Handful of pita chips when I passed by the pantry
-Half of a chocolate chip cookie from the day's lunchbox clean-out
-Walked by the pantry again, so...more pita chips
-2 Twizzler sticks from same pantry raid
-Handful of Trader Joe's white cheddar corn puffs on the way home from violin lessons
-Free sample of quinoa salad they were giving out at the grocery store
-Again with the damn pita chips! Note to self: stop buying those because you have no self control, woman. 
-3 bites of daughter's french dip sandwich she left from dinner

So those items are thoughtfully o-mit-ted.


**P.S. My appointment is for this morning at 10 a.m. It is an hour long training session. I have a sneaking suspicion it will be worthy of a follow-up blog post. Stay tuned.


  1. You already have your Christmas decorations put away? Damn.

    1. I do. I thought about keeping them up all year because the thought of taking them down made me weep. But, then January 3rd happened and my eyes started to bleed from looking at them. Funny how something that once looked so festive and beautiful one day, turns to a collective pile of crap the next.

  2. I love food journaling. I mean, I really hate it, but it works for me because I quit finishing the kids' food since I'm too lazy to calculate the calories for 1/8 yogurt, 12 goldfish crackers, and two bites of grilled cheese. Although, if I had a Tyler reading my food journal, I'd totally lie.

    1. I have food journaled before, and it did curb my grazing from the children's leftovers. But then I was forced to make my own plate instead of just waiting for them to leave the table.

  3. Went to the gym today and while I was doing arms I looked up at the television and they had on Paula Dean with her favorite desserts! Talk about making you want to quit and head straight to the nearest bakery.

    1. Seriously! WHY do they put the food channel on at the gym? Coincidence? I think not. You may leave the gym and head straight for Dunkin Donuts, but they know you'll be back. Assholes.

  4. Good for you! I am the girl who eats cookies and doesn't exercise. Ever. This week however a certain friend took me to a yoga class and then a Pilates class. I think she only took me so she would have someone to laugh at. Sigh. At least you had a fit man to look at.

    1. I have actually heard that Pilates and yoga are great workouts. The music puts me to sleep, though. And the attractive factor diminishes significantly when the person is yelling at you. Plus I was almost old enough to be his mother. Which was depressing in its own right. Ugh.

  5. I find it best to just stay away from gyms. Maybe you can challenge yourself to tell the boldest lie and see what his reaction is?

    1. I was actually so brutally honest about what I was NOT willing to do that I think I scared him a little.

  6. One of my biggest fears about going to a gym is having people talk to me. By running around my neighborhood during early mornings or late at night, it's only me and the neighborhood cats.

    1. Yeah. I'm not a huge fan of gyms. But I sometimes need to go there and see all the people that are more fit than myself to get me motivated.

      I'm not sure what was more uncomfortable - the trainer coming over to talk to me or 15 minutes later when a guy IN COWBOY BOOTS came and got on the cardio machine right next to me (there were only about 10 other machines available). I swear I attract weirdos.

  7. What a funny encounter! Honestly, though, I think the trainer was only concerned with what you eat, and that’s why he asked for your food diary. After all, you asked him to help you out with your figure, and that was exactly what he was doing.

    Shemika Vanhoose

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