It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood this weekend, so we decided to take advantage of the great weather by heading to the golf course. The 49ers were playing so we knew we would have the course practically to ourselves.
My expectations are extremely low when it comes to golfing - I'm in it for the beer and sunshine. I've also acquired some really cute golf shoes and I like how it sounds when I walk on concrete. Click, click, click. It makes me feel all professional.
Despite having taken a few months off, I played probably the best I have in...well...ever. I did some examining of what exactly could have been the cause of this, and I came up with a few key items that I believe could have been contributing factors to my improvement.
So, of course I'm going to share them with you. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't?
1. Take a minimum of 2 months off. I suggest you don't even touch a golf club. As a matter of fact, you should probably pile a whole bunch of empty moving boxes and other crap on top of them so you have to dig through the garage for at least 20 minutes before finding them.
2. On the way to the course, make up your mind that you are going to play terrible. Set your expectations so low that simply making contact with the ball is somewhat of a surprise.
3. Eat a heavy meal right before you tee off. Be sure it includes both something fried and something alcoholic. If you feel a little bit like you might throw up, that's perfect.
4. Take some kids with you. Never mind they've spent their entire lives being exposed to public settings, tell them to behave otherwise. Ours found doing cartwheels in the fairways and yelling during our backswings to be loads of fun.
5. Talk smack. Even if you're generally so terrible that you don't even keep score, make sure you point out every time you hit a better shot than your partner. You might want to try, "Did you see that shot? Hope you don't feel bad that it was better than yours," or "I really don't know how I haven't gone pro yet." And for those of you that really want to test your boundaries, "Looks like only one of us is on the green. And it doesn't seem to be you," is a real gem.
6. Drive the golf cart like you are in the Indy 500. Take corners at full speed. Don't slow down when you're coming to stop. Just slam on the brakes and slide. (I'm pretty sure that this one didn't have any bearing on my playing, but it IS really fun and the kids get a kick out of it. Also remember we had the course to ourselves. I wouldn't recommend this behavior on a busy day. You'll probably get your ass chewed.)
7. Drink. Anything alcoholic. This makes achieving the second part of step #2 unquestionably easier.
Since I don't keep score, I'm not certain how much better I played quantitatively. But, I'm pretty sure to the casual observer I looked like I knew what I was doing at least 63% of the time. Not to mention...no one reported me to the pro shop. Now THAT is a definite improvement.
CLICK THIS BANNER AND HELP ME IMPROVE MY BLOGGING GAME! Come on, you know you want to...