Friday, January 18, 2013

CSI: Suburbia

Last night, Charming returned from being gone on a business trip all week. While he's not one to point out my housekeeping shortcomings (he seems to enjoy being alive), I usually at least attempt to have the house in decent order when he gets home.

So I dropped the kids off at school, ran a few errands, and returned home to do a quick once-over before I had to pick the kids up again and head to after school activities.


What I returned to was no less than a crime scene. I SWEAR it wasn't like that when I left. I had no choice but to call the authorities. (I didn't call the authorities.) But if I would have, I imagine it would have gone something like this...

Dispatch: What's your emergency?

Me: I need to report a disturbance. Someone obviously broke in my house and made a huge mess. It's horrific.

Dispatch: Is anything missing?

Me: Well, not that I can tell. But I can't be sure. You know, because of all the mess.

Dispatch: I will send an officer to check it out.

[Officer arrives]

Officer: What seems to be the problem, ma'am?

Me: Well, it's pretty awful. How about I just show you?

We walk through the house, starting with the kitchen.

Me: Look at this. The perp obviously went and collected items from various rooms in the house and just left them on the kitchen counter. I think the music stand and nail polish remover are all the evidence you need here.

Exhibit A


Me: Now just turn around and look over here. School papers and junk mail EVERYWHERE. Is that a toothbrush? And the giant party pack of artificial flavors and preservatives? No. I would never purchase one of those. Let alone leave evidence of it right here in plain sight for everyone to see.

Exhibit B

 Me: Shall we go upstairs?

Officer: You mean there's more?

Me: Unfortunately. 

Me: See these sheets and towels? The last time I saw them they were safe and sound inside my dryer. Someone took them out, brought them up here, and just wadded them there at the end of the bed.

Exhibit C

 Officer: I just don't understand this.

Me: I know, right?!

Me: One last thing. But, you might want to shield your eyes because it's pretty graphic.

Officer: Oh, dear.

We walk into the closet.

Me: Look. At. This. Piles of clothes just laying there on the floor. And not one, but TWO laundry baskets within inches of them.

Exhibit D

Officer: I don't know what to say. This was obviously done with malicious intent.

Me: I agree.

Officer: I'll file a report right away.

Me: Great. Hey, can I get a copy of that real quick so I can show my husband when he gets home tonight? I'd hate for him to think all of this is the result of a week's worth of gross negligence on my part. Which, it TOTALLY isn't. 

Don't be negligent. Click on this banner.


  1. That's horrific! You must have really been shocked. I know I would if my house ever looked like that. Which it totally hasn't, btw.


    1. Well it was definitely a first for me (obviously). Who would do all those terrible things?!

  2. I don't know if I can talk to you anymore now that I know Oliver and Autumn are so messy. Shameful!

    Hey - wait a minute . . . no poop anywhere?? OK, they are no longer suspect. I now suspect the humans . . .

    Your Excellent & Studious Canine Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

    1. Of COURSE humans were responsible. Not the ones that live here, of course, but humans nonetheless.

  3. So is there a way to *Like* these entries each time I read them? I'm not witty enough in any way, shape or form to actually comment, but I can certainly like the sh*t out of things that are... :)


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