Wednesday, January 30, 2013

As it Pertains to Housekeeping

It needed to be done anyway, but we were also having a friend over for dinner. The possibility of guests generally lights a fire under my ass to get things done around here. That, and the fact that I don't want to star on the next episode of 'Hoarders'. So I cleaned.

I don't expect the other people that live here to dust and mop and scrub toilets (ick). I'll take those responsibilities. But as I was walking around picking up random items that trailed through every single room in the house, I felt myself getting a teeny weeny bit pissed. I mean, how hard is it to pick up socks from the living room and take them to the hamper? Apparently it's harder than I think.

I sent Charming a text that said, "Honey, I would really appreciate it if you and the kids would take your items upstairs instead of leaving them on the floor in the living room. Love you! Kisses and hugs."

As if. Are you new here? The real text was more like, "Could you people cut me a break and start picking up your shit?"

He responded with something along the lines of "Yeah, sure. You should probably blog about it. Take out your frustrations through writing."

Well. Okay then. Your wish is my command.

Since it is a constant battle of who can say the most words in a 24 hour period around my house, I decided the most effective way to express my feelings on this issue would be to write my family a letter. This also means less yelling.

Dear Family,

I know I have somehow led you all to believe that I love cleaning. I mean, with your constant mess making and refusal to pick up after yourselves, what other explanation could there be? I feel sure the reason isn't because you are working together on an elaborate plot to make me lose my mind.

Regardless of what you choose to believe, the truth of the matter is...I actually hate cleaning. I get absolutely no joy from any of the arduous tasks required to prevent our home from being condemned. It is, however, a necessity. So I do it. All I ask is that you respect my efforts for AT LEAST 24 hours post cleaning. Is that really too much to ask?

I feel like you don't quite understand how your casual disregard for the hours (literally HOURS) of hard work this takes makes me feel. So, let me break it down for you.

Dimples: I know how much you enjoy playing Nerf gun wars and 52 million card pick up with Daddy. But when I start to clean up and I find Nerf darts stuck on the ceiling fans and 51 million of those cards scattered around the house, I get a little upset. Imagine working on the Lego Death Star all day long, then someone coming in behind you and disassembling it. That wouldn't make you very happy would it? No. No, it wouldn't.

Tink: I recognize you have a passion for trying new hairstyles. I encourage you to work on that skill. However, when I clean the floors and run over 27 hairpins at once, it tends to do a number on the vacuum cleaner. There is usually a really loud noise and a giant puff of smoke. I don't much like that as it is quite startling. When you are using the blow drying on your ever so shiny and luxurious hair, would you like it if a giant puff of smoke suddenly shot out of it and scared the bejesus out of you? No. No, you wouldn't.

Charming: You knew me long before you popped the question, but sometimes I feel like you've forgotten that you married a crazy person. *Any and all accusations that I turned crazy after the "I do's" were said are herby denied.* You know that I have the ability to go from zero to apeshit bananas in a matter of seconds. So I must ask...WHY do you insist on leaving York Peppermint Patty wrappers on every table/countertop/nightstand in our home? When I work all day to clean this place and I find those things wadded up all over the house the very next day, I feel like you are less than appreciative of my efforts. I see you're working on a big presentation there. How about when you get up to go to the bathroom I just mosey on over and delete all of that hard work. Would you like that? No. No, you wouldn't.

Do any of these examples help you understand a little bit about where I'm coming from? While I'm sure your only motive is to make sure I don't get bored during the day, I'm going to have to kindly ask that you please stop worrying your pretty little heads about me and PICK UP YOUR SHIT.

With Nothing But Love (and maybe a little irritation),
Mom


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19 comments:

  1. It's not going to work, you know. Because the sweat of your brow and the crack of your back tastes like the sweetest wine and the finest music to them. (Can you tell I'm in the same boat?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I know it won't work. I've tried it time and time again in different ways. Just thought I'd put my plea in writing this time around.

      Delete
  2. Totally feel ya sister...nerf darts, candy wrappers and all. I swear, because of his trail I can pretty much tell exactly where my husband has been in the house. It's almost like an exciting game of detective!
    Voted :)

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    Replies
    1. Seriously with the candy wrappers! We have at least 7 trash cans in this house. Find one for crying out loud!

      Delete
  3. Socks on the living room (and bathroom, and dining room, and kitchen) floor, Breathe Right strip wrappers on the nightstand, and coats and shoes EVERYWHERE. I feel you, sister.

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    Replies
    1. It is no wonder I can never pair up socks when I do laundry. Both feet are never in the same room.

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  4. Yup - pretty much my house too. Especially the sock thing...

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    1. I'm starting to think that just about everyone has the sock problem. WHY is that such a challenge?!?

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  5. Let me know how that works. It's just so much easier to lower your standards.

    Murphy (I'm a dog so I don't care if there actually is shit on the floor.)

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    Replies
    1. Well, Murphy. Sometimes we DO have actual shit on the floor. Fortunately, it's not the humans that are responsible for that particular offense.

      Delete
  6. If I could I would include my dogs: Since I just mopped the floor, could you please wipe your feet before entering the house. It's really not cool that you leave muddy/?(Yew)Paw prints all over the floor. How would you like it if I left tacks all over your beds? You wouldn't like that much would you?

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    Replies
    1. Messes the dog contribute are an entirely different post all together. Muddy paws, accidents, shedding, leaves from rolling in the grass...I could go on and on.

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  7. I'm a hoarder. THere I said it. paper bags, plastics, napkins, and even store receipts as long as they're still neat. :(

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  8. Being a husband and father I like to argue the side that if we cleaned up after ourselves all the time then it wouldn't be special when we did it for mother's day and/or for our wive's birthday. Of course liking to make this argument and winning this argument are two completely different things.

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    Replies
    1. Have you seen the episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" where Ray is vacuuming and Deborah comes in the room and watches him for a minute and says, "I've never been so turned on in my life"? Yeah. That's not an exaggeration of what it's like to find your husband doing housework. Use that information however you see fit.

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  9. Just so you know, it never gets better. My daughter is in college. When she comes home you can seriously follow her trail of crap through the house, up the stairs to her room. Starting with jacket, shoes, laundry, backpack, etc, etc...everyone knows when she is home just by walking in the door. So good luck with this letter!

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  10. Okay I don't have a family to pick up after, I have a dog and she really can't help me even though I keep asking lol...but my sister-in-law finally started putting the "stuff" in secret place and if you wanted it back it cost you $5 for each and every item, cost my niece about $20 to get her library books back, then they were overdue so it cost her at the library too hahaha

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    ReplyDelete
  12. Nice blog, really outstanding blog. Your blog information is really helpful to me. We have also housekeeping services in Delhi website. The site can be very helpful to you. Thank you. For more information click here : http://www.msgfacility.com/

    ReplyDelete

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