Thursday, December 6, 2012

Our Elf Came From the Dollar Store

I'm starting to feel like everyone is going to a party and I wasn't invited.

You might be saying to yourself, "I wonder why she wasn't invited? She's a little off, but she doesn't seem like that big of a social outcast."

Okay, maybe you're not saying that.

But I'm not talking about a party in the literal sense (to which I'm sure there will be plenty that I am not invited). I'm talking about this little Elf on the Shelf phenomenon. We don't have one. Never have. *GASP* say all the mothers who actually love their children.

I did a little background check, and it turns out the elf was born the same year Dimples was...2005. Tink was four. I guess I was too busy dealing with mom-brain-malfunction (still am, ssshh don't tell) and didn't notice this new fad. Because that is like THE prime time to sneak one of those little punks into your house to scare the bejeezus out of your kids about Santa not coming if they don't get their asses in line.

I didn't even know it existed until last year when "People I want to Punch in the Throat's" blog post about it went viral. I seriously hope she gets some kind of royalty from that company because I can tell you she has got to be responsible for at least 70% of their sales. Even if people only bought one to take pictures of it doing stupid shit to post on the internets. A sell is a sell.

Anyway, from what I can tell, it seems that you're either a lover or a hater regarding the creepy little thing. I can say I'm pretty much indifferent (except for the fact that so far I've referred to it as a "punk" and "creepy". Oops.). But honestly, we don't have one so how can I offer up a valid opinion? I can tell you that if we did have one, I would fail miserably at remembering to move it or making it look like it's been up to some crazy shenanigans or whatever it is you're supposed to do to effectively scare your kids into angelic behavior. Since we don't have one I have not had the briefing on maximizing elf effectiveness.

I've never felt like I've missed much by skipping out (albeit unintentionally) on the elf. Until now. Christmas is right around the corner and all the little boys and girls are supposed to be on their best behavior in hopes they will witness a  Christmas miracle and BAM an in-ground swimming pool (for example) will appear in your yard overnight. Thanks a lot, Hallmark Channel. My kids are usually pretty well-behaved all year long, so I rarely have a reason to break out "Santa's not gonna stop at our house" threats. But for whatever reason, they have decided to up their game and go all rogue on me right here during the final hour.

It's not stuff that really little kids do like throw tantrums in the grocery store or refuse to take their afternoon nap. It's annoying elementary-school age stuff like shooting each other with Nerf guns at point blank range until the other one screams, or having to be told 87 times to brush their teeth, or fighting over who gets which peanut butter cup out of the Advent calendar (which are exactly the same by the way). I've especially enjoyed their newest game of suddenly and unexpectedly screaming at the top of their lungs while we are in the car and sending me into cardiac arrest as I am sure I missed a turn and we are about to go hurling over a bridge into the San Francisco Bay. Or something as equally terrifying.

 I need some leverage.

It got me to thinking...maybe I should get our family one of those elf things. Surely I could manage to pull off at least a couple of convincing maneuvers between now and Christmas Eve. My kids are pretty gullible. And easily creeped out. Perfect recipe for one of those things to work in my favor.

So I looked them up online to see where I could find one and...WHAT??? Twenty-nine ninety-five? I am cheap. CHEAP. Like hell I'm going to spend thirty bucks on a toy that makes an appearance one month a year, not to mention I'm pretty sure after this year Tink's done buyin' what we're sellin' when it comes to the whole Santa gig.

I do some brainstorming. And I have an idea. I dig through the bin of "Christmas decor that didn't make the cut because it's stupid and/or ugly but it's a keepsake so I can't toss it" and I found an elf(ish) thing that I can use in lieu of said elf. I bought it a couple of years ago at the Dollar Tree. I love the Dollar Tree. Did you know that EVERYTHING in that store really IS just a dollar? Ah-May-Zing. I hate when I go to "dollar" stores and the price tag says $3 or $5 and sometimes even $10. What the hell? This is a DOLLAR store. Not plural. Shit. I got off-topic.

Anyway, I found this ELF (close enough) that I'm going to set out and try to remember to move around at least a few times this holiday season. Maybe I'll snap a picture or two and share it with you guys. I think it might be juuust creepy enough to scare them straight.


Now that I'm looking at him, I think maybe it's supposed to be Santa? His beard is LITERALLY hanging by a thread so I'm not sure. Also he's pretty skinny. Do elves ever have beards? Looks like he's missing one of the bells from his shoes, too. Well, hell, what do you expect? It was a dollar.

You'll also notice I added a note. I'm pretty sure my kids are clueless to the elf thing, so it's possible he would go unnoticed if I didn't do at least that. Look how creative I am. A NOTE. I cannot BELIEVE I'm starting this of my own accord. What an idiot.




See this banner? Make me look like less of an idiot and click on it, would ya'?!


26 comments:

  1. Now THAT is freaking hilarious. I just said on FB that you should try marketing it as Ghetto Santa to like crack whore moms and what not. They could buy it at the Dollar Store with their pregnancy tests!

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  2. Maybe you should attach it to some fish line and make it look like it is flying at the kids when they least expect it. Just saying . . .

    Your Pals With A Huge Wonderful Post Tomorrow,

    Murphy & Stanley

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  3. I keep telling people that you don't NEED to buy the official $30 Elf. The $1 ones from thrift stores or Dollar Stores are just as effective.
    Case in Point: That creepy ball-nosed sonofagun you've got perched there. Perfection!

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    1. They totally bought it. I kind of don't even care if it alters their behavior - the look of terror on their faces when they discovered that thing was in a different spot this morning was so worth it.

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  4. hahahahha, this is classic. That is one ghetto elf and I love it. Love Dollar store crap. it's great.

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    1. Thanks for reading! I agree. The dollar store is so awesome. I can waste hours in that place.

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  5. Oh my God, I'm laughing my ass off here. That picture of that weird elf/Santa thing almost made me choke! I need to read Punch in the Throat's blog post from last year- I was not a member of the blogosphere at that time so I haven't read it. Glad you posted it.
    Also, we don't have an Elf. We OWN one, but it scared the shit out of our kid two years ago and almost drove us to therapy.

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    1. I love hearing that I almost made someone choke. ALMOST is the key word here because I don't know the Heimlich. Otherwise, I take that as a real compliment.

      Yeah, I'm starting to question this idea. They were pretty creeped out this morning. Oh, well. Won't be the first thing I've done that sends them to therapy.

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  6. That is hilarious. LOVE the dollar store, like sex-on-the-first-date love it. Speaking of that, I did not know until I read the first comment here you could pregnancy tests there, mental note.
    I wish I could motivate myself enough to do something like this, tooooo lazy. I literally (confession time here) STILL have not even done SANTA with my 3 yr old and 1 yr old. Last year, NO TREE. I was very pregnant, no one said a word. Wisely.

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    1. Now that is some serious love for the dollar store. But, I might question the reliability of their pregnancy tests. Might want to splurge for at least the Wal-Mart brand (they worked for me).

      I'm so impressed by your ability to get away with no tree! Of course, pregnancy allows for free passes for lots of stuff if you're smart.

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  7. My Mom swears up and down that the Elf on the Shelf thing is old school, like when I was a kid. She says she has one upstairs good as new in the attic. I'm interested to see what this elf looks like should she ever dig it up out of that big old bat infested attic of hers. Hmmm...

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    1. My mother had several of those bastards for our Christmas decor and I hated them. Back then, of course, no one thought to use them as spies for Santa and polaroids were the digital cameras of the day and no one would have wasted the film on elf shaming. I'm certain your mother must have some in the attic. Everyone I know says they had them in their house when they were kids.

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    2. I actually do remember having elves (yes, multiple) as a kid. We had this little ladder thing that you leaned up against the Christmas tree and made the elves look like they were decorating it. But, they stayed put. I'm pretty sure if they would have been moved around at night I would have freaked. I was raised in the Chucky generation and toys coming alive at night was so NOT cool.

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  8. I am a definitely a hater of the elf. I think he is exceptionally creepy. I find nothing but hysterical entertainment in those blogs that make fun of the elf. And I think it's hysterical that you are going to use a Dollar Tree Santaelf as your elf. I can't wait to see where he pops up next and what he'll be saying!!!

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    1. I'm totally failing at the elf thing. I keep falling asleep and forgetting about him. I am kind of embarrassed that my poor kids have to be afraid of such a stupid looking elf. The "real" one is creepy, but you can at least tell what it is for crying out loud!

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  9. I have refused to fall prey to the Elf on the Shelf craze! I mean, seriously, like I need to remember to do one more thing along with all the other Christmas craziness? Shoot.Me.Now. Yes, I am a slacker mom, I even make my child ride the bus!

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    1. I am failing miserably at the elf. I knew I would. It successfully freaked them out, though!

      P.S. "Slacker Mom" is not a term I would use to describe you!

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  10. That dollar store elf is the sorriest son of a bitch I've seen in quite some time. I think I love him. Probably because he's most definitely supposed to be Santa. Funny stuff!

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    1. The more I look at him, the more embarrassed I get that I put him on the internet. Not so much because he is our family's "Elf on the Shelf", but because he ever made his way into our house in the first place. I promise the rest of my home decor does not look like that.

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  11. Lmbo here!!! Love it!
    I bought the plush version and it seems to be working just fine for now.

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    1. It did not hold my kids interest like I had hoped. It DID creep them out, though!

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    2. Haaahahahah........too funny! I'm so glad my kid is 15 and I don't have to worry about this stuff

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  12. Perfection! I LOVE the Dollar Tree Elf ~ and those damn dollar stores that aren't pricing their shit for a dollar? Total ban....if I'm gonna pay something for that shit from China that really only cost 2c, it's sure not gonna be more than ONE DOLLAR.!

    Great post, can't wait to read more!

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    1. I have started to ONLY patronize the Dollar Tree. I can get a basket FULL of treasures for under $20. I love it. Thanks for reading!

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