Friday, December 28, 2012

Hiatuses and Air Travel and Pains in the Ass

Charming asked me a couple of days ago, "Are you like...on vacation from blogging or something? You haven't had your face in your computer in a while. Don't you think you should tell people?"

"Oh, babe. Don't be silly. Making a point of telling people implies that I would assume someone might notice."

It appears I wrote my last post 10 days ago. Unacceptable. I have missed it terribly. But with Christmas and holiday travel and trying not to lose my mind, I lost track of time.

A few days after Thanksgiving, I channeled my inner idiot (which is not difficult to do) and decided to book tickets for us to fly to Texas to visit family ON CHRISTMAS DAY. Airlines like to stick it to the consumer around the holidays and make it all but impossible to afford air travel. Unless you travel ON the actual holiday. We have done this once before, and I didn't remember it being too horrible. But as I was rushing around on Christmas Eve trying to get laundry done and suitcases packed and the house cleaned and the last of the presents wrapped, I remembered that we, as human beings, tend to block unpleasant experiences from our memory so they can be sure to be repeated at a later date. Childbirth being an excellent example of this remarkable capability. Also included in that category - holiday travel.

After a rapid-fire present opening, Christmas morning breakfast, and wrapping paper explosion clean-up, we were out the door and on the road by noon.

45 minutes into our trip to the airport (it is an hour and a half drive), we found out our flight was delayed an hour and 20 minutes. Too far to turn around and go home, we decided to stop for lunch. Our choices included: McDonalds. Where we were met with a staff that was positively delighted to be working on Christmas Day.

Long-term parking was full. We were told we must go park at the international terminal (which we aren't familiar with), so we go round and round the airport until we find it. Then we walk at least a mile from the international terminal to the domestic terminal with 2 kids, 2 (giant) suitcases, and 6 various-sized carry-ons because we are morons and didn't think to use the tram.

Terrible quality, but I was running. Charming carried that bag (that we learned weighed 46 pounds) across the majority of the San Francisco airport.

I chose to ignore Charming's incessant commands to "Hurry up!" (which only makes me want to go slower) and instruction giving (since I obviously have no clue how air travel works as I've only done it a thousand times, usually alone with 2 children), and also made the decision to go through a separate security line. It was a necessary step in avoiding an embarrassing scene at the airport. What are these plastic bins for again, oh wise one?

We made it through security (without being violated by TSA I might add), took our pre-flight bathroom breaks, and got situated at our gate. Twenty minutes later the gate attendant came over the intercom announcing our flight was canceled due to a freak snow storm in Dallas. If you don't know anything about Dallas, rarely snows. And when it does, it shuts shit down. Period.

I kind of chuckled at the news because OF COURSE IT IS CANCELED WHY WOULDN'T IT BE and also at the speed at which a line of 50 people formed at the gate counter. These people were not sitting there a minute ago. Where did they come from? So we skip the gate counter and go back to the ticket counter. After a brief discussion of which agent we think looks the least pissed so we really hope we get that one, it was our turn to attempt to get re-booked on another flight. Charming turned on the charm (also know as ass-kissing) by wooing said ticket agent with corny jokes and being overly-complimentary of her festive light-up Christmas sweater. In doing so, he scored us a 6 a.m. flight and a one-day later return trip with no change fee. Win.

We quickly did the math and realized that a 6 a.m. flight meant we would have to be at the airport no later than 4:30, meaning we would have to catch the shuttle at 4:00, meaning we would have to get up by 3:30. Yippee. We utilized Priceline like a boss and scored a fairly cheap deal on a nearby not-so-crappy hotel room to spend the next 8 hours. I won't go into detail of how our 3:30 wake-up call went, but you can all be assured that we are a real fun bunch at that time of day.

We've now made it to Texas and are on day 4 of our trip. It has been great to see our family over the holiday. Despite the royal pain in the ass it was to get here, I truly treasure the time we spend together and feel fortunate that we are able to do so.

But if I suggest we do this shit on Christmas again, I hope someone punches me square in the face.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Wax On, Wax Off

We are traveling home to Texas for the holidays, and on my to-do list before we head south was to get my eyebrows waxed. For the bazillionth time this year. (I'm anxiously awaiting notification from Guinness regarding my possible win in the facial hair growth category.) Since I outed myself in my holiday brag letter that I decided to put ON THE INTERNET, I know where all eyes will go the minute everyone back home sees me.  Well have no fear. I got these babies all prettied up for y'all.

But not without pain and embarrassment.

Because I am a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of gal, I typically decide to do things like eyebrow waxing, pedicures, haircuts, and all personal grooming errands in general on a whim. I was standing in line at the post office when I caught a glimpse of myself on the security camera.

Holy crap. There's a Sasquatch in here.

Oh. Nevermind. That's just me. Anyway. It was then that I realized I was past due. Of course I am. It's been at least 24 hours since my last facial grooming session.

So on my way home I stopped at a local salon that accepts walk-ins. I have been there before and the woman did a good job and she worked fast, so I figured it was a safe bet to go back. The same woman greeted me at the counter and asked what I needed done. I told her an eyebrow wax and signed the register.

"Give me just a few minutes. James! Customer!"


There is a large Assyrian population in this part of the country. I will get it all wrong if I try to explain what Assyrian is because I find the origins a little confusing and out of respect for their culture, I will not butcher such an attempt. The important thing to take note of here is that they are foreign and they have an exotic look about them. Kind of Italian-like. Dark skin and hair with prominent features. Not unattractive.

Here's a run-down of my appearance for this little pit-stop: jeans, green t-shirt, long sweater, second-day hair in ponytail, no make-up, Sasquatch face. 

So I'm sitting in the little waiting area looking like that and here comes James all...

Okay, so he didn't look exactly like that. But there was a resemblance, okay?

Uh-huh. In no way is this going to be embarrassing. 

So we go over to the stylist's chair and he's all up in my grill checking out my unruly brows and I'm wondering what the hell happened and why isn't Mary over there doing this instead of eating her lunch and I'm pretty sure I just saw her look over here and snicker. WTF, Mary? 

James wastes no time applying wax and those little strips to what feels like every inch of my face. Only he does them all at the same time instead of one by one. So I'm sitting there with white rectangles stuck all over my face when his friend walks over and starts talking to him. In a foreign language.

You know how you feel when you go get a pedicure and the ladies start talking to each other about your hammer toes or what a bitch you are in a language you can't understand? Yeah. It was kind of like that. Except with guys. So awesome.

FINALLY the friend walks away. James returns to business and strikes up a conversation with me about the Dallas Cowboys (because at some point it came up that I am from Texas). Something about him learning about football when he moved to America and he liked the blue and silver and he liked the star, so he decided that was going to be "his team". Okay. I approve. His English was a little broken, but he can say "Go Cowboys!" quite clearly.

Did I mention the soundtrack of choice playing AT TOP VOLUME in the salon was Celine Dion? So here we are saying "Go Cowboys!" back and forth and discussing Tony Romo's inconsistencies while "All By Myself" is blaring in the background and I've got a mask of wax and fabric covering three quarters of my face. This was one for the memory book, people.

He finally finishes and I RUN to the reception desk to pay so I can get.the.hell.out. I swear Mary is still laughing at me. James saunters over and says, "I do good job? My name James. I here six days." 

"Great! See you next time!"

And that is the story of why I have to find a new place to get my eyebrows waxed.

Save me from further embarrassment and click on this, would 'ya?

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Let Your Light Shine

After the welcome and opening prayers, our minister always has a "children's time" as part of the service. He invites all of the children down to the front of the church and shares a short story or lesson that is at a level they can understand. He often uses a prop to grab their attention and hold their interest. Their responses and commentary throughout are often funny, and always adorable.

Yesterday he brought out a strand of Christmas lights. He laid it out along the floor and walked over to the outlet to plug it in. The children appropriately "ooh'ed" and "aah'ed", as I am sure he had hoped they would. One light in the strand did not illuminate.

"What do you notice about this strand of lights?" he asked.

"That one's broken!" several pointed and exclaimed in unison.

That one is broken.

"Yes. It is broken. But look. Look at the other ones. See how bright they are? When we put them on a Christmas tree, even though one of them is broken, the rest of them work together and they make the tree so beautiful."

The rest of them work together to make the tree beautiful. 

He didn't go on to discuss last week's tragedy. I am sure that most of the children in the audience were oblivious to its occurrence. But every adult sitting in the pews knew exactly what the broken light was to which he was referring. I kind of wonder if he told this story more for us.

I am choosing to share this with you because I so desperately needed to hear it. Maybe you do, too. Because I, perhaps as you did, spent the majority of the weekend contemplating humankind. Wondering if we are all living a hopeless existence. I thought about it. And I cried about it. And I prayed about it. And then I remembered there IS good in the world. Sometimes the evil is SO evil that it blinds us. It seems impossible to see the good. But we can't let it be.


Because then evil wins.


We will remember that day. We will remember where we were when we heard the news, and we will remember the shock, disbelief, horror, and sorrow. We will mourn for those lost and the loved ones that lost them. Everyone in America has a new hole in their heart, most of us complete strangers to the victims and their families.

Although our lives are forever changed, we have a choice. We can choose to blame and hate and give up on one another. Or we can choose to fix and love and help those in need. Every day is an opportunity to do good. Every day is an opportunity to make the world a more beautiful place. Some days it will be hard, and we will have to talk ourselves into seeing the good among immeasurable degrees of bad. But, every day we can do our best to defeat evil. We at least have to try.

The world is our Christmas tree. Let your light shine.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Go Home, Dolly. You're Drunk.

Here's the deal-e-o. I love Christmas music. Always have. It irritates the crapola out of me that some radios stations start blasting it over the airwaves at precisely dark:30 on Halloween, but I ashamedly admit to sometimes having a hard time changing the station. Because CHRISTMAS IS COMING. But I buckle down and change it anyway because I am making a statement and because of poor forgotten Thanksgiving and because I believe in equal rights among holidays.

On the other side of that coin, WHY do they stop playing it altogether at noon on Christmas day? It is CHRISTMAS DAY. Maybe if you hadn't been sitting in your little DJ booth listening to it 24-7 for the past 65 and one half days you'd be a little more tolerant of it on this day of our Savior's birth. You know, the ONE DAY we've been working up to all this time?

ANYWAY...Kim over at The Fordeville Diaries who always (as in ALWAYS) makes me laugh, comprised a short list of her favorite holiday tunes and invited other bloggers to join in. At least I think she invited other bloggers to join in. In any case, I know you've all been pining the days away wondering, "What are her favorite Christmas songs? I simply must know!" Well, wait no more because here they are...

5. Carol of the Bells.
I have loved this song ever since the day I first saw 'Home Alone' a LONG time ago. I saw it when it was in theaters. This song is beautiful and a little bit haunting and it makes me want to run home and booby trap my house. Not really. But it does channel my Christmas spirit.

4. The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire).
More specifically, the version sung by the great Nat King Cole. Besides the fact that this song is a classic, it also reminds me of my childhood. I remember playing this CASSETTE TAPE on the JAM BOX (see how I dated myself there?) while helping decorate the Christmas tree. This song also makes me picture a scene with people walking along snow-covered sidewalks with packages and shopping bags, smiling and laughing and just plain giddy over their purchases ("as shoppers rush home with their treasures"). And what a lovely scene that is. Of course, having lived somewhere that it snows, I know that snow-covered sidewalks are a bitch and people are neither laughing OR smiling about that mess. Nevertheless, that's the scene in my head.

3. Baby It's Cold Outside by Dean Martin.
I don't feel like this one requires much of an explanation because ELF and also because it is chocked full of musical awesomeness. What with the his and her back-and-forth duet and the subtle "let's get it on" undertones. If this diddy doesn't make you want to grab your sweetie and run through the seven levels of the candy cane forest, then I don't know what will.

2. Wintersong by Sarah McLachlan.
Because sometimes during the holidays I want to sit in an oversized chair and weep into my coffee (or know, depending on time of day). I admit it. This song is depressing. But it is also beautiful. Once you get over the fact that Sarah has ruined everyone in America's life with those damn Humane Society commercials, maybe you can learn to love this one too.

1.  Hard Candy Christmas by Dolly Parton.
I'm not sure why I love this song so. Neither do I remember when I first heard it. I am from Texas, so I was kind of destined to like country music. I know there are some Texans out there that don't but I'm not clear on how that could have happened. Anyway, I hope the fact that I adore this song doesn't subconsciously say something about me. Because it is kind of whack. And I cannot for the life of me figure out what hard candy has to do with Christmas. Is there a hidden meaning I don't know about?

 Actual Lines from song:
Hey, maybe I'll learn to sew
Maybe I'll just lie low
Maybe I'll hit the bars
Maybe I'll count the stars
Until the dawn

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas.

Earlier in the song she talked about getting drunk on apple wine, so that could explain the confusing turn these lyrics have taken. I think you've had enough, Dolly.  But I got nothin' but love for ya.

Monday, December 10, 2012

I'm Gonna Need More Tape

Charming and I did a little Christmas shopping over the weekend. As we were pushing our way through the overly crowded toy aisles in Target, I noticed something. There is an especially atrocious act of ass-hattery going on among the toy manufacturers. I have reason to believe they are in cahoots with the gift bag industry. Because that act is called: not packaging their shit in either a square or rectangular box.

It is an immoral thing they are doing, really. Putting their toys in packaging that is all but IMPOSSIBLE to gift wrap so we poor and desperate consumers are forced to purchase a five dollar gift bag in which to present said toy to our loved ones.

I found myself getting a little pissed off about the whole thing as we were browsing. I picked up several toys thinking, "Oh! This would be a great gift!". And then I would notice a rounded edge or odd-shaped backing and I would immediately put it back on the shelf exclaiming, "How the hell am I supposed to get wrapping paper around that?! I would need three rolls of tape to piece together all the paper this thing would require. There would be rips and holes and tears and unevenness and IT WOULD BE UGLY. I just won't have it."

You see, the little bit of OCD I have tends to come out at Christmas time. I actually enjoy wrapping presents. I like to purchase several coordinating wrapping papers for the occasion, and then spend a ridiculous amount of time tying the perfect bow to adorn each package. Because I like pretty things.

Also, roughly 80% (I'm guessing because I'm not going to seriously do the math to figure out that percentage) of the gifts I purchase are shipped out of state. Have you tried to ship a gift bag? Even if you put the gift bag in a shipping box, all of the contents fall out in transit and the $5 bag comes out looking like it was run over by a tanker trunk. And who knows? Maybe it was. In any case, I don't like shipping gift bags. I want my gifts to arrive wrapped in festive Christmas paper that I lov-ing-ly took time out of my day to tend to.

Here are some examples. The proof is in the pictures, people.

Exhibit A. What the hell happened to plain rectangular packaging for Barbie? That was a tried and true go-to for any little girl on your shopping list, and with 90 degree angles all over the place that package was a no-fail gift wrapping opportunity. Check out that curvy little number they've perched her in. I heard she turned 50 a few years ago, so I guess they thought they needed to "doctor up" the packaging a little. (Oh no she dih-unt!)
Come on, Mattel.

Exhibit B. This one didn't look so bad at first. Then I picked it up and turned it over and noticed that little car on the side. It's got its own little display window there. And not only does that display window stick out of the rest of the packaging, but it is also ROUNDED. Nope. I'll spend my $14.99 elsewhere. Let's keep moving.
Do you see that? Why? Why would they do this?

And finally, Exhibit C. Who wouldn't like a nice game of Angry Birds Star Wars Jenga(!!!)? Well I don't care if that IS at the top of your wish list. I'm not buying it for you because just look at what they've done here. You look at the box sitting there all rectangular-like on the shelf. Then you pick it up. Gotcha! Check out the backing that sticks up on top and along the side. Rectangle my ass.
I can't even caption this one it is so ridiculous.

Tis the season for Toys R Us gift cards.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Saturday Share - Week 2

This has been a big week for me out in the blogosphere!

I finagled precious jewels from Charming by serving him an insult opportunity on a silver platter. Totally intentional and he is none the wiser. An insult lasts only a moment, but brush that shit off because diamonds last forever.

I sent our holiday brag letter to everyone on the internets. It was a stellar year for our family. If you are someone who gets jealous easily, you probably shouldn't read it.

We also invited one of those little elf(ish) things into our house this week. I hadn't planned to do it, but the children were working my last nerve and I got desperate. Also, I'm cheap so our elf is an imposter I got at the dollar store. Charming is thoroughly embarrassed and wants me to make it clear that he had nothing to do with this. He is not nearly as miserly as I am. Anyway, so far it's been a dollar well spent. Operation: freak the snot out of my kids...complete. caught wind of my efforts and shared my post with their fans. It's my most popular one yet (what is it about that damn elf that people love to read?!)! Thanks to them, I made a lot of new friends. If you are one of them, WELCOME!

Last week, I promised to share a blog I've been reading with you so you can enjoy it too. This week, it's The Sarcasm Goddess over at 'For the Love of Writing'. I'm pretty sure we have a date to do karate in the garage sometime after the holidays. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read here.)

Warning: Do not read her blog while enjoying your venti non-fat no-whip sugar-free soy half-decaf cinnamon gingerbread peppermint latte, as it will end up all over your computer screen. You paid six bucks for that cup o' joe and I don't want to be held responsible for any of that sweet nectar not making it down to your thirsty little belly. This chick has the sarcasm thing down pat. I could learn a thing or two from her. Also, she's vowed to blog every single day until Christmas, so it's exciting to know I can look forward to at least one laugh a day. 

And because it's Christmas and SANTA IS COMING and in honor of my 10,000th pageview happening this week (!!!!!), I will end this post with one of my favorite scenes from my favorite Christmas movie OF ALL TIME...Elf (Duh. How could they go wrong with a name like that?) Also, if you don't like this movie I'm 150% positive we can't be friends. And also, smiling's my favorite.  Happy weekend, everyone!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Our Elf Came From the Dollar Store

I'm starting to feel like everyone is going to a party and I wasn't invited.

You might be saying to yourself, "I wonder why she wasn't invited? She's a little off, but she doesn't seem like that big of a social outcast."

Okay, maybe you're not saying that.

But I'm not talking about a party in the literal sense (to which I'm sure there will be plenty that I am not invited). I'm talking about this little Elf on the Shelf phenomenon. We don't have one. Never have. *GASP* say all the mothers who actually love their children.

I did a little background check, and it turns out the elf was born the same year Dimples was...2005. Tink was four. I guess I was too busy dealing with mom-brain-malfunction (still am, ssshh don't tell) and didn't notice this new fad. Because that is like THE prime time to sneak one of those little punks into your house to scare the bejeezus out of your kids about Santa not coming if they don't get their asses in line.

I didn't even know it existed until last year when "People I want to Punch in the Throat's" blog post about it went viral. I seriously hope she gets some kind of royalty from that company because I can tell you she has got to be responsible for at least 70% of their sales. Even if people only bought one to take pictures of it doing stupid shit to post on the internets. A sell is a sell.

Anyway, from what I can tell, it seems that you're either a lover or a hater regarding the creepy little thing. I can say I'm pretty much indifferent (except for the fact that so far I've referred to it as a "punk" and "creepy". Oops.). But honestly, we don't have one so how can I offer up a valid opinion? I can tell you that if we did have one, I would fail miserably at remembering to move it or making it look like it's been up to some crazy shenanigans or whatever it is you're supposed to do to effectively scare your kids into angelic behavior. Since we don't have one I have not had the briefing on maximizing elf effectiveness.

I've never felt like I've missed much by skipping out (albeit unintentionally) on the elf. Until now. Christmas is right around the corner and all the little boys and girls are supposed to be on their best behavior in hopes they will witness a  Christmas miracle and BAM an in-ground swimming pool (for example) will appear in your yard overnight. Thanks a lot, Hallmark Channel. My kids are usually pretty well-behaved all year long, so I rarely have a reason to break out "Santa's not gonna stop at our house" threats. But for whatever reason, they have decided to up their game and go all rogue on me right here during the final hour.

It's not stuff that really little kids do like throw tantrums in the grocery store or refuse to take their afternoon nap. It's annoying elementary-school age stuff like shooting each other with Nerf guns at point blank range until the other one screams, or having to be told 87 times to brush their teeth, or fighting over who gets which peanut butter cup out of the Advent calendar (which are exactly the same by the way). I've especially enjoyed their newest game of suddenly and unexpectedly screaming at the top of their lungs while we are in the car and sending me into cardiac arrest as I am sure I missed a turn and we are about to go hurling over a bridge into the San Francisco Bay. Or something as equally terrifying.

 I need some leverage.

It got me to thinking...maybe I should get our family one of those elf things. Surely I could manage to pull off at least a couple of convincing maneuvers between now and Christmas Eve. My kids are pretty gullible. And easily creeped out. Perfect recipe for one of those things to work in my favor.

So I looked them up online to see where I could find one and...WHAT??? Twenty-nine ninety-five? I am cheap. CHEAP. Like hell I'm going to spend thirty bucks on a toy that makes an appearance one month a year, not to mention I'm pretty sure after this year Tink's done buyin' what we're sellin' when it comes to the whole Santa gig.

I do some brainstorming. And I have an idea. I dig through the bin of "Christmas decor that didn't make the cut because it's stupid and/or ugly but it's a keepsake so I can't toss it" and I found an elf(ish) thing that I can use in lieu of said elf. I bought it a couple of years ago at the Dollar Tree. I love the Dollar Tree. Did you know that EVERYTHING in that store really IS just a dollar? Ah-May-Zing. I hate when I go to "dollar" stores and the price tag says $3 or $5 and sometimes even $10. What the hell? This is a DOLLAR store. Not plural. Shit. I got off-topic.

Anyway, I found this ELF (close enough) that I'm going to set out and try to remember to move around at least a few times this holiday season. Maybe I'll snap a picture or two and share it with you guys. I think it might be juuust creepy enough to scare them straight.

Now that I'm looking at him, I think maybe it's supposed to be Santa? His beard is LITERALLY hanging by a thread so I'm not sure. Also he's pretty skinny. Do elves ever have beards? Looks like he's missing one of the bells from his shoes, too. Well, hell, what do you expect? It was a dollar.

You'll also notice I added a note. I'm pretty sure my kids are clueless to the elf thing, so it's possible he would go unnoticed if I didn't do at least that. Look how creative I am. A NOTE. I cannot BELIEVE I'm starting this of my own accord. What an idiot.

See this banner? Make me look like less of an idiot and click on it, would ya'?!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

A Not-So-Humble Holiday Shout Out

I'm already behind on my Christmas to-do list. It's December 4th and I have YET to get started on our Christmas cards. I got out of doing them last year because I played the "We're in the middle of moving and I'm just so overwhelmed and emotional" card, but I'm all out of excuses this year. Dammit.

So, that's my goal for this week.

Get ass in gear to design picture perfect Christmas card even though we never really look like that except for this one occasion but I'd like for people to think so which is kind of a lost cause since I've pretty much blown our cover with this blog.

Maybe I'll just wear my work out clothes and let the kids wear their jeans and t-shirts. That would more accurately capture our every day look. OR if we wait until Saturday to take the picture - as long as I take it before, say 3 p.m. - we could do one in our jammies. I'll try to find matching ones so we can at least be festive. The creative juices are really starting to flow.

In the meantime, I thought I'd take on a new holiday tradition (and by tradition I mean this one time) by writing a holiday "brag letter". That's right. Very out of character for me, but there's just so much good shit going on with us that I'd like to shout it from a mountain top. But since we don't live in the mountains anymore the internet will just have to do. So brace yourselves. Jealousy is about to ensue.

Dear Friends and Family,

Cheers and Happy Holidays! 

I hope this letter finds you all doing well. Since many of you aren't on Facebook to see an online play-by-play of our lives, I thought I'd catch you up on some of our happenings this year. 

As you probably know, we moved to California. It really is a beautiful state and we live in close proximity to so many amazing landscapes. It is also among one of the highest taxed states in the nation so we're getting pretty psyched about April 15th. Refunds are such. a. drag. I'm SO glad we won't be getting one this year to argue about what we should use it for. One less thing.

Another benefit of living on the West Coast is that we all know that a higher price means a higher quality. We hardly ever have to pay less than $4/gallon for gas! Our regular unleaded is better than your regular unleaded. So suck it.

We bought a house! The decor wasn't our style, so we did a lot to "make it ours" before we moved in. In an attempt to be budget-conscious, we decided to do several of the smaller projects ourselves. We learned lots about home improvement and neither of us threatened to contact an attorney. True love and all. We also had the opportunity to start over on several projects, which was good practice in perseverance. Never give up! Not to mention that at the end of the day we saved tens of dollars by being do-it-yourself-ers! Yay!

Dimples has lost a lot of teeth this year! His baby teeth were so perfect and evenly spaced that I was beginning to worry that he was going to miss out on the thrill and excitement of braces. Fortunately, it looks like they are coming in just catawampus enough that he, too, will be able to experience the modern miracle of orthodonture. Whew. That's a load off.

Tink has really blossomed in her new school. She's still quite small for her age, but has used that opportunity to continue ordering from the 10 and under kids menus (even though she's 11 - such a little rebel, that one). I am personally thrilled that she's of smaller stature, as it aids in my denial that the teen years are right around the corner. I can still count on one hand the number of times she has rolled her eyes at me and any smart mouthing has been done cautiously beyond my earshot. She's one smart cookie.

Charming's new job has proven to be quite an undertaking. He travels much more than he did before, but on the up side he averages 3 nights a week of getting to set the room's sleeping temperature just below freezing without listening to me complain about my borderline hypothermic extremities (and proving it by putting my feet on his back in protest). It also appears that spending lots of time away from the comforts of home make your wife's disdain for housekeeping seem like an insignificant detail, and sloppy joes now qualify as a home-cooked meal. Everyone wins!

As for me, I have had my eyebrows waxed no less than 11 times this year. A thorough waxing lasts the average person 6 weeks. But I kind of like to think of myself as slightly ABOVE average. And if you do the math, 11 times in a year works out to be just over every 4 1/2 weeks. Booyah. If my late 30's have shown improvement in any area, it's the ability to grow facial hair faster than any woman on Earth. Go ahead and grab a tissue to wipe away your tears of resentment.  

The dogs seems to have adjusted quite nicely to the move. I was a little concerned that they might have some issues with the new house, but Oliver still pisses on chair corners and Autumn still digs holes in the flower beds. A seamless transition is what we've seen here.

Well, that about sums up our year. I know. It's a lot to digest. I hope you will consider remaining in contact once your envy subsides. 

Kisses and Hugs! 
~Our Badass Family~

Could you give ME a humble shout out and click on this banner?


Monday, December 3, 2012

I Can Wear Diamonds with Yoga Pants

Before I became (I really dislike this title) a "Stay at Home Mom", I was an accountant. I worked in the field full time until my oldest was 2, then part-time until we moved out of Texas - away from all of our family/support system/emergency babysitters. It wasn't my dream job but it got me out of the house, gave me an opportunity to use my brain for something other than memorizing title sequences from the Disney Channel, and there was a routine paycheck. All in all, a decent gig.

I consider going back to work from time to time. I kind of miss it. But the truth is I don't want to be an accountant. I don't know what I'd like to do, but sitting at a desk all day staring at a computer and entering numbers IS NOT IT.

Charming and I were watching the Cowboy's game on TV last night and one of the announcers mentioned something about one of the player's wives being an emergency room nurse.

Charming: That's interesting that she works. She probably doesn't have to.

Me: Well, maybe she likes her job. I'd go back to work if I liked what I did. I think being a nurse would be cool.

Charming: Are you saying you're gonna go to nursing school?

Me: No. I don't have the stomach for nursing. And I'm fairly certain one doesn't just DECIDE to go to nursing school. But I like that you get to talk to people and don't sit at a desk all day. Also, I'd like a job where I got to wear scrubs and squishy shoes.

Charming: Well that would be a step up from what you wear now.

Me: .....

Charming: .....

Charming: Would you like diamonds for Christmas?

Moral of this story:
Bait your husband for an insult and you will score jewelry. 

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Saturday Share - Week 1

Hey ere'body! Happy Saturday!

I've mentioned before that I have really upped my game on blog reading lately. It's so much fun and I love exchanging snarky, smart-ass comments with people who share my interests...making fun of themselves and playing on Facebook and Twitter.

You know that part in "Step-Brothers" where Dale and Brennan figure out they have a whole bunch of things in common and Brennan says "Did we just become best friends?" and Dale says "Yep!" and then they go do karate in the garage? Well, I've had several moments like that out in the blogosphere. But with less karate.

Since I haven't come up with anything "gimmicky" yet to do with my blog, I decided I'd start with a "Saturday Share". Since everyone is looking for a way to spend even more time being unproductive reading and gaining knowledge online, I thought at the end of each week I'd share a blog I've found and enjoy. Because sharing is caring and, let's face it, I'm pretty damn caring. And good things come to those who care. Or is it to those who wait? Either way.

I'll start things off with a blog that I stumbled upon a few weeks ago through "Blogging While Mom".  She calls herself "Funny is Family". I read her blog and found out that she only started blogging about a month before me. I sent her an email asking her some questions about a few things I hadn't figured out yet. She had no idea who I was, but she was kind enough to email me back and was super nice and helpful so she automatically went on my "list of awesome strangers that I'd probably be best friends with if we didn't live on opposite sides of the country". She's funny and snarky and makes fun of parenting. So, yeah.

Well, that's the share for this week. Look for more in weeks to come. Do you have a blog? Do you know of one I should check out and possibly share? Send me a link!