Wednesday, November 21, 2012

My First Born and Why I Think I May Have Birthed an Alien

My daughter is 11. Since she was very young I have been stupefied that I share even an ounce of genetic makeup with this child. If she didn't strongly resemble my likeness, or so I'm told, I would question whether or not we might have our own "switched at birth" story in the making. Polar opposites are we.

Her (as it pertains to sleep): Alarm goes off. Oh! It's time to get up! Let's get this day started. I shall first make my bed to perfection (to be addressed further in just a moment). Then I will fix my hair, brush my teeth, and go bounding downstairs to greet everyone I see with a smile. Happy, Happy Day! If I happen to get sleepy later, I'll power through. There's so much to be done on this fine day and napping is for quitters.

Me (as it pertains to sleep): Alarm goes off. Shit. It's morning already? Didn't I just go to sleep like 7 hours ago? Snooze. 4 times. Great. Now I'm running late. I haven't had any coffee yet so everyone is going to need to keep their voices on...silent. I already need a nap later. Bedtime in T-16 hours.

Her (as it pertains to getting things done): I only have 3 weeks until this assignment is due! I must complete it within the next hour. Also, in anticipation of possible upcoming projects, I shall research everything and write a report. Just in case. What? It is already August?! I must pick out my Halloween costume ASAP. We should probably have it overnighted.

Me (as it pertains to getting things done): Our flight isn't until tomorrow. I have plenty of time to pack. I'll stay up all night to do laundry as it appears that 6 of the 7 outfits I planned to take are dirty. Nevermind that we booked this trip three months ago. As long as it gets done, right? What do you mean what's for dinner? It's only 4:30. Why would you assume I know the answer to that?

Her (as it pertains to neatness): Please don't ask to help me make my bed. If this throw pillow isn't at the exact right angle, I will need to rip the whole thing apart and start over. Don't mess this up for me. That stuffed animal is supposed to go on the LEFT for crying out loud! Just let me do it. I think there is clutter on the kitchen counter - you should go address that.

Me (as it pertains to neatness): Okay, the bed thing she came by honestly. I have this thing about throw pillow placement perfection. And vacuuming (when I get around to it) in straight lines. We all have our quirks, okay? But, other than that, I can handle a little bit of untidy. I [shamefully] admit that some days I only straighten up so as not to be reprimanded by my tween when she arrives home from school.

Her (as it pertains to all things crafty): I want to learn how to sew. And bake. And scrapbook. And do every kind of hair braid and/or style ever invented. I will learn how to do all of these things through books and the Internet (since my mother is obviously going to be of no help). And I will be fabulous at it. I love Pinterest!

Me (as it pertains to all things crafty): Is this going to require a lot of ingredients? Like do I need to go to the store? The baking aisle makes me panicky. You mean to tell me I need hot glue? Don't you need a license to use one of those gun things? How am I supposed to do this hairstyle when I don't have 4 hands? Do we even OWN a needle and thread? I'm pretty sure the dry cleaner's will sew that button back on for a minimal charge. Pinterest sucks.

I'm told that we are nearing the age that I will be able to do nothing right and she will be able to do everything flawlessly. Unfortunately, in all likelihood, that might be true in many cases. But, I couldn't be more proud.  (Of HER, of course.)


  1. And yet you two look like twins of different ages. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

    Your Pals,

    Murphy and Stanley

    1. I can see a resemblance, but I don't really see the "mini-me" thing.

  2. That's absolutley hilarious, great post! I'll be back to read more.

  3. Holy crap - you just described my 13yo girl and me. Exactly. Mine is the child in 8th grade who just figured out what college she will be attending and mapped out the exact plan to get her there. I was the teenager who barely passed high school and hopped on the first bus following the Grateful Dead! My daughter is a mystery to me but thank God she will be successful ~ I'll need someone to fund my retirement.

    1. I know, right! I'm like...power on, little child of mine - even if you ARE from outer space. You go right ahead and conquer the world!

      I wrote this post in jest, but it would be virtually impossible for me to be more proud. She amazes me every single day.


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