Friday, October 26, 2012

Vogue...Revisited...Literally

I'm fairly certain that fashion designers are on an eternal acid trip and we are left to suffer the consequences of their drug-induced lunacy.

I went on a quick shopping trip yesterday. I wasn't looking for anything in particular...just killing some time browsing. I couldn't help but have a few negative reactions to some of the things I saw. I think I've made it abundantly clear that my wardrobe is what one might describe as...understated. But, I decided to see exactly how off I am by today's fashion standards. So, of course I went straight home and logged on to the fashionista's bible...the 'Vogue' website. Holy stilettos, Batman! I honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry. According to what I saw, I am so far from chic that I need to burn everything I own and start from scratch. Clinton and Stacy would have an absolute heyday.

I'll start with shoes. Winter is approaching, and I wouldn't want to be caught dead braving the elements looking anything less that fabulous. So the neoprene/rubber numbers I currently own are hereby getting kicked to the curb. No more sensible footwear for this gal. Next time the mercury drops below 40 and there's even a hint that moisture might fall from the heavens, this is what will be toasting my tootsies...




And to think - all this time I thought inclement weather was no place for 6-inch heels!
Silly me.

Lord help me (and anyone that comes in contact with me) on the day I've been jeans shopping.

Charming: "How was your day?"

Me: "I tried on jeans."

Charming: "Oh. Then I'll be upstairs. Here's a glass of wine. Let me know if you need anything."

Ultra low-rise super skinny jeans. Seriously. WTF, you guys?? The misogynistic asshole that came up these needs to be identified and punished. They are a blatant assault on women. That's okay, I don't need to bend down. Or walk. Or breathe. I'll just be right here...frozen in place. Like the tin man. Oil...can...


I feel like I first need to congratulate this lady on her big WIN in the genetics lottery. Good for you! But, talk about the 1%. Out of all the women I know, 3 of them might be able to pull these off. I personally haven't tried because I know better and I don't enjoy crying in public. I DO own a pair of what are technically labeled as "skinny" jeans, but they don't look like these, and this sure as hell is not the end result.

Of course, for those of us with "normal" figures, finding anything in between these and the dreaded "mom jean" proves to be an arduous task. Why, why, WHY? We should not be forced to choose between indecent ass crack exposure or tucking our boobs into our jeans. It's just not right. 

I'm not even going to get into how I should be accessorizing because this research has left me exhausted and depressed. The basics include but are not limited to: Wear scarves and ridiculously large earrings. If you see their likeness in the lighting section at Home Depot, you're on the right track. Carry an extremely large purse (own one in every color). You're doing it right if you can smuggle a small pony out of the petting zoo. At least one ensemble (complete with shoes, gloves, handbag, and sunglasses with lenses the size of a dinner plate) should be made of animal print (faux, of course). I need to lie down.

I made the mistake of reading an article while I was online. Since I didn't feel crappy enough about myself after seeing a pictorial sequence of just how UNexceptional my wardrobe is, I thought I'd go ahead and seal the deal through the magic of the written word. 

I opted for a piece entitled "Bringing Up Baby: How Stylish New Mothers are Dressing for Fall". They interviewed different Vogue department editors to see what they had to say about being a mom while remaining stylish. Of course! NYC fashion magazine editors are probably very in touch with the average moms in America. Although I'm no longer a new mom, my day-to-day routine can get a little monotonous and I'll often find myself feeling less than dazzling. So, I read on because I can always use some advice on how to achieve a quick pick-me-up! Here's a quote from Vogue's Director of Special Events.

"When I'm feeling haggard, red lipstick by Chanel always does the trick!"

Uh-huh. That'll do it.



4 comments:

  1. OH MY HELL! So I have been daunted with day to day work shit and (shamefully said) have not taken the time to read your bloggy blog! Sorry! However, today being Friday and all, I endulged with a bit of 'selfish me time.' I spit coffee everywhere while reading! This, my friend, is why I love you! Today, when I bend over to pick something up, I will think of you as I hold my shirt down to hide my ass crack!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're only laughing because you're one of the 1%. Bitch.

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  2. And you didn't even mention the sight we see on a regular basis . . . pants so low that the "sacred underwear" of the wearer is on display. Sheesh . . .

    Your Ever So Cute Buddies,

    Murphy & Stanley

    Pee Ess - Mom says you are a stylish dresser even is Vogue says otherwise.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love how you can just hit the nail on the head. Well said my friend.

    Love, one of the 99%

    ReplyDelete

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