Wednesday, October 10, 2012


My kids start talking about what they want to be for Halloween around mid-July. And why shouldn't they? This is America...the country that can't get through one holiday without aggressively marketing all the shit we've imported from China in celebration of the next one. Fourth of July: aisle 15. Halloween: aisles 16-30.

Anyway, I won't let them pick out their costumes in July. I tell them to "Keep thinking about it real hard so you don't regret what you pick. Those things cost like $35 (like hell I'm going to make one myself, which in the end would probably cost me double that, what with having to start over at least twice and all) and once we buy it, you're stuck with it." But by the end of September, I cannot hold them off any longer. The stupid Halloween mega stores have started to pop up around town and it is IMPOSSIBLE to keep them from noticing them.

"Mom! Look! The Halloween store is here! Can we go pick out our costumes? Pleeeeeeaaassse?"

"Oh, I don't think it's actually open yet. Look, all the windows are dark." Hahaha! I'm so clever they don't know that's part of the marketing technique. Darkened windows = scary. Kids are dumb sometimes.

"Yes it is. I just saw someone come out with a bag. Pleeeeeeeaaassse can we go?"


"Fine. We'll go after soccer practice. Do you both know what you're looking for? I am NOT spending more than 15 minutes in that store." So help me I will NOT.

So, later that afternoon I keep my promise and we pull up to the Halloween store. I take a deep breath before we go in, because I know exactly what is going to happen next.

We walk in and both children immediately transform into leeches. They each have a grip on my arms so tight I start to lose feeling in my fingers. Greeting us at the entrance is a floor-to-ceiling display of the creepiest infants you have ever seen. Zombie babies, devil babies, clown babies, monster babies, most of them animatronic with spinning heads. WHAT is wrong with people? These are in no way fun or amusing to me. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that there is obviously more than one person out there willing to spend $54.99 plus tax on this trash. But, whatever.

So, we make it through the aisles of terror and to the back of the store where they keep the children's costumes. Good thinking, management of the Halloween store. Scare the shit out of your largest customer base before they can even get to the appropriate section. Makes the shopping experience super enjoyable for everyone. I lost count of how many kids I heard screaming while we were there.

Tink was unsuccessful in finding anything that interested her. I think she's decided she can easily fashion her own zombie costume (Whatever happened to princesses? Or even a cute little witch?). Oh well. All I have to purchase for her is some white make-up. Yippee!

Dimples was not so easy. He arrived with the notion that he was going to be a werewolf. We knew they carried the costume because he saw it online. We locate it and he INSISTS on trying it on. They had an employee back in that area monitoring our every move, who led us to a dressing room/box. She opens the costume package for us and hands him the furry little shirt thing. He puts it on.

"What about the mask?" he asks.

Lady: "Sorry. We can't let you try on the mask." (It was in it's own sealed plastic bag inside the package.)

Me: "Well, how is he supposed to tell if he likes it?"

Lady: "Sorry. It's policy."

Oh, for crying out loud. I could have given him a flannel shirt to try on at home and been all, "Look! You're a werewolf!"

So, of course, this sends him into an absolute tailspin. His plan has been derailed and we are on the verge of a meltdown. So, we have to go back down every aisle of the boys costumes again. He simply cannot make a decision. Finally, I've had it. I tell him he is getting that werewolf costume or nothing.

"Look at the picture on the package. It's a mask. You are going to look EXACTLY like that picture."

So, he finally commits and we take it to the counter.

"I have a coupon," I tell the cashier. I proudly whip out my phone and pull up the coupon I got through email.

Cashier: "We're not allowed to take coupons off smartphones."


Me: "Why not??"

Cashier: "Well, you could use that one, then go home and print it out and come back to use it again."

Ummm, yeah genius, I could do that. I could also not use the one from my phone but PRINT OUT multiple copies. I am clearly planning to revisit your store as frequently as possible during the 45 day period you are open, and I've got the coupons to prove it. You've figured me out. Oh, no. 

Me: "That makes no sense. You're really not going to let me use it?"

Cashier: "No."

Me: "Okay, then. That's just absurd so I'm not buying it. And I'm not walking through the baby apocalypse over there to put it back." I hand him the costume and give him my best "You're an idiot" face. I'm actually really good at that.

We were in that store for 52 minutes and walked out empty handed. The werewolf costume we went home and ordered ONLINE WITH A COUPON should arrive any day.


  1. We think you all should dress up as mini goldendoodles. Seriously, I am so cute people want to give me treats so I think that would work well.

    Your friends,

    Murphy & Stanley

  2. I can just imagine how unhappy you were walking out of that store because i would have felt the exact same way. And would have been ever so happy to order it from somewhere else!!

  3. Chad says that he received that "you're an idiot face" a few times in HS and that you ARE really good at it. HA! Glad to know you're still using your skillzzzz. :)

    1. No way. I refuse to believe that!! Chad will always hold a special place in my memory as the one who brought Charming and I together. After all, he DID bring me my very first "check yes or no note" from him on the playground in 4th grade. I could never use my "you're an idiot face" on someone with that kind of clout.


What's on your mind?