Me: "Did you really say that?!"
Friend: "Well, no. But I wanted to. And I'm pretty sure she knew that's what I meant."
I had this conversation with a friend the other day about a discussion she had with someone that completely irritated her. It got me to thinking. More frequently than I care to admit, I have to exercise serious self-control in order not to revert to my 5-year-old-self during a conversation.
Here are the top 3 things I wish were socially acceptable to say on at least a weekly basis:
1. "Liar, liar pants on fire."
Sometimes I want to say this to my kids. Less frequently to adults, but it happens.
This morning I discovered half the package of Oreos I purchased ONE DAY AGO was missing.
Tink doesn't care for this particular kind of Oreo so she was in the clear.
Me: "Dimples! Get in here. You ate ALL the Oreos. I said you could have 3. There are (I count the number of empty spaces) 11 missing! I had 2. Which means you ate NINE. Nine is not okay."
Dimples: [Completely straight-faced] "No I didn't. Dad ate them."
I text Charming.
Charming's reponse: "I had 3. He's lying to you."
Dimples finally fesses up. Aaaaah!
"Liar, liar pants on fire!!!" Okay, I admit it...I say this to my kids whenever the opportunity presents itself. I'm certain it was taught in Parenting 101: React immaturely to your children as often as humanly possible.
2. "You're an idiot."
So my 5-year-old-self probably wouldn't say this. I had years before my idiot radar was fully developed. But, if my 37-year-old-self said it as frequently as I thought it, I would probably get punched in the face a lot. Unfortunately, I have one of those faces that reads exactly what I'm thinking, so I'm pretty lucky that - to date - no one has struck me. Fingers crossed that my luck holds out!
I don't really go around thinking EVERYONE I encounter is an idiot. But, let's face it. If you venture out in public, you are bound to run into one or two (or twenty) people that just shouldn't be allowed to mingle with society. One word. Walmart.
And last but not least...my very favorite...the one that tops them all...
3. "Na-na-na-boo-boo. Stick your head in doo-doo."
Where do I even begin? I had actually forgotten about this one until I was watching a Tosh.O episode a year or so ago (don't judge me) and he said it. I had to rewind it like 50 times because it was so freaking hilarious. I challenge you to find an altercation scenario where this retort would not be successful. You cannot. Because the scenario does not exist.