Friday, October 12, 2012

I'm Rubber, You're Glue.

Friend: "That is dumb. You are dumb. What you said was dumb and that makes you dumb for having said it."

Me: "Did you really say that?!"

Friend: "Well, no. But I wanted to. And I'm pretty sure she knew that's what I meant."

I had this conversation with a friend the other day about a discussion she had with someone that completely irritated her. It got me to thinking. More frequently than I care to admit, I have to exercise serious self-control in order not to revert to my 5-year-old-self during a conversation.

Here are the top 3 things I wish were socially acceptable to say on at least a weekly basis:

1. "Liar, liar pants on fire."

Sometimes I want to say this to my kids. Less frequently to adults, but it happens.

This morning I discovered half the package of Oreos I purchased ONE DAY AGO was missing.

Tink doesn't care for this particular kind of Oreo so she was in the clear.

Me: "Dimples! Get in here. You ate ALL the Oreos. I said you could have 3. There are (I count the number of empty spaces) 11 missing! I had 2. Which means you ate NINE. Nine is not okay."

Dimples: [Completely straight-faced] "No I didn't. Dad ate them."

I text Charming.
Charming's reponse: "I had 3. He's lying to you."

Dimples finally fesses up. Aaaaah!

"Liar, liar pants on fire!!!" Okay, I admit it...I say this to my kids whenever the opportunity presents itself. I'm certain it was taught in Parenting 101: React immaturely to your children as often as humanly possible.


 2. "You're an idiot."

So my 5-year-old-self probably wouldn't say this. I had years before my idiot radar was fully developed. But, if my 37-year-old-self said it as frequently as I thought it, I would probably get punched in the face a lot. Unfortunately, I have one of those faces that reads exactly what I'm thinking, so I'm pretty lucky that - to date - no one has struck me. Fingers crossed that my luck holds out!

I don't really go around thinking EVERYONE I encounter is an idiot. But, let's face it. If you venture out in public, you are bound to run into one or two (or twenty) people that just shouldn't be allowed to mingle with society. One word. Walmart.

And last but not least...my very favorite...the one that tops them all...

3. "Na-na-na-boo-boo. Stick your head in doo-doo."

Where do I even begin? I had actually forgotten about this one until I was watching a Tosh.O episode a year or so ago (don't judge me) and he said it. I had to rewind it like 50 times because it was so freaking hilarious. I challenge you to find an altercation scenario where this retort would not be successful. You cannot. Because the scenario does not exist.


I dare you to say it without laughing. This is one that Charming and I actually do say to each other. It's SO full of awesome. And it totally blows "I told you so" (and every other comeback in the world) out of the water. Find the opportunity to use it. And do it.






8 comments:

  1. Love it! I caught my husband...not once but TWICE lately reading your blog! He is a BIG fan!! Next time I catch him I am gonna say..."Nana-nana-boo-boo stick your head in doo-doo!" ;)

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    1. I love this story. I actually have more male readers than you might think...they're just all closet-readers. It's okay. I get it.

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  2. We find it interesting that throat punching wasn't even mentioned? We are disappointed. Luckily, being dogs, we get over these things quickly.

    Your cute friends,

    Murphy & Stanley

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    1. Well, throat punching is more of an action. Not that I don't still want to do it sometimes. Plus I think it might be trademarked now. ;)

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  3. I say, "You are an idiot" all the time and it feels great :)

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    1. It really is a wonder that I haven't. I amaze myself with the amount of self control I exhibit sometimes.

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  4. Ok. So, this is my first trip over here and because of all the giggles that overtook me, it won't be my last. I was sent here by a Facebook friend who said this place reminded her of me. Oh great ! Now I'm wondering if she thinks I might be your neighbor.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by! And tell your friend I said thanks for sending you over...I hope you come back!

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