Wednesday, October 3, 2012


We're newbies to California, and have settled in a "small" town. I use quotations because where I'm from, a town of 70,000 isn't so small, but whatever. That's what they consider it out here. Anyway, this is one of those towns that a large percentage of the population was born here, raised here, and is now raising their families here. It's hard to break in. I know how this kind of place operates, because it is very much like my own small hometown.

Charming and I decided that perhaps a good way to meet some couples/families our age would be to join the local country club. Trust me, it sounds fancier than it is. Remember, I live in a farming community. A few of the tee boxes are located next to corn fields and feeding troughs.

Thanks to our solid and consistent lack of effort, we haven't had much success in it being a venue for meeting new people. But now we have this membership so we should at least make use of it. Usually once a week I try to head out to the golf course.

I was considering going today, but this is my experience from last week and I just don't know if I can muster up the patience.

I like to dress all "golfy" so at least when people see me from across the way they can assume I know what I'm doing since I'm dressed the part. (Because everyone knows that's how you judge someone's athletic ability.) As long as they don't linger, I can totally pull off the illusion. So, I'm in my little golf skirt and top, and I've got my cute purple golf bag and clubs. (Note: I match!) I load up the cart and head out.

I make it through hole 1 and 2 without injuring anyone or quitting. On hole 3, I hit it in the sand right in front of the green. It wasn't a busy day on the course, and I was by myself, so I make the decision to whack at it until I get it out. It only took 9 tries. I'm improving.

I've parked my golf cart in the rough over to the side of the green. It is in no way ON the green. It's not even very close. Or so I thought. As I'm digging my way to China in the bunker, a lady that was playing an adjacent hole comes over to me and says (mind you, she has to walk a good 30 yards for this),
"I just wanted to tell you that you're not supposed to park there. You're too close to the green. Some people (gee, I wonder who) get verrrrry upset about that. I just wanted to tell you."
I just stand there looking at her.
Back to whacking at my ball. A couple of minutes pass. I look up at her because she is STILL standing there.
"I just wanted to let you know you need to move your cart over there to the cart path."

More staring. Give me another 23 swings and I'll take care of it, lady. Please leave. Finally she goes away, disgusted at how unrefined I am. Once I got the ball out of the sand, I obliged and move my cart around to the path. I went on my merry way and didn't run into her again.

I made it through 9 holes. I don't keep score because it's an embarrassment. I return the cart to the parking area, and a guy from the pro shop comes running out.
"Hey! Did someone talk to you about parking on the greens?"
Good Lord.
"Yeah. Some lady (you know, the biotch that obviously tattled) told me I was too close. I wasn't ON the green. Just so you know. And I moved my cart (eventually)."
"Yeah, it's not a big deal. Just make sure you stay on the path when you can. Some people take it pretty seriously."
Who are these "some people" I keep hearing about? We shouldn't meet. 
"Got it."

Of course upon leaving, I immediately called Charming to tell him what happened.

"Guess what happened to me at the golf course today."

"Oh, God. What did you do? Did you hit somebody? Did you wreck a golf cart?"

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, but no. Somebody got on to me for parking too close to the green.  Then she went and told on me at the pro shop."

"Well, did you get in trouble? Are we kicked out? How embarrassing. You need to follow the rules. Do I need to explain golf etiquette to you?"

Ugh. No. You do not.

Next time I'm there, I wish I would have the nerve to find her and bring back Caddy Shack (one of the best movies OF ALL TIME. I think of it and crack up every time we play).
I'd pull out the beer tap in my golf bag and blare Journey on my big ass built-in radio.
"What are you DOING?" she'd say.
"Let's Dance!", I'd say. Everyone else on the course would stop what they were doing and join in.
It would turn her into a raving maniac and most likely get me kicked out. But it would be so awesome.


  1. I can't believe you didn't get any photos! You could have posted a pic showing the location of the cart relative to the hole and your readers could have given you some input! BTW, I did see a report on FOX news about you parking too close to the green.

  2. Did you burp and fart at the bar after your round? I bet you did.


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